


The Importance of Filing

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 02:47:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6177139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Todhunter needs admin assistance, Lister needs to get away from Rimmer.  There's an ideal solution to both their problems, but will it turn out to be just the start of their problems?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For all the L/T shippers. Look what you've driven me to.

Frank Todhunter stared despondently at the mountains of paperwork surrounding his desk. It was the 23rd century, for heaven’s sake, how had he accumulated all of this rubbish? The JMC was supposed to be a ‘paperless’ organisation, so why was there a sizable chunk of rainforest cluttering up his office? And why didn’t it seem to have reduced the number of emails clogging his inbox?

 

Two weeks ago he’d finally conceded defeat and gone to the captain to ask for some admin assistance. He’d expected a brush-off, but Hollister must have been in a good mood. “Well, sure, you can advertise for someone if you really need it,” he’d been told, “but I wouldn’t hold out much hope. Most of the admin staff are already in established roles. If all you want is someone to do your filing and copying, I doubt you’ll get much interest. It’ll probably have to wait until we take on the new recruits at Titan.” A terrifying picture arose in Todhunter’s mind of the state his office would reach over the further eight months it would take them to reach Titan, and he’d quickly got the recruitment approval form stamped and an advert sent out ship-wide. So far he’d only had one response, from a rather uninterested mature lady who’d offered to pop in on an ad hoc basis to help out, in return for extra credits for the mall and vending machines. He’d thanked her glumly and told her he’d let her know after the closing date. An hour here and there wasn’t going to help him much, but he didn’t seem to have much choice. The advert was closing today and he’d not had any other applicants.

 

Just as he was bracing himself to call the woman and offer her the post, his buzzer went. “Yes?” he asked wearily.

“Um…hi,” a voice crackled through the intercom, “I’m here about the job?”

“Very well. Come on in.” Todhunter’s heart lifted slightly. Maybe this person would be a better prospect. When the door opened, his heart promptly did a shimmy and then plummeted back down to his feet. “Hello!” Lister said cheerfully.

 

Todhunter gulped, scrabbled desperately for his composure, and waved for Lister to come in. “Take a seat,” he croaked. _Oh damn it all_ , his mind stammered internally. _Why him? Why did it have to be him???_ Todhunter prided himself on being a clear-headed man; calm under pressure, sensible and self-controlled. But David Lister _did_ something to him. He’d never forget the first time he’d really noticed him. It had been here in this very room, Rimmer standing to attention by his desk, pompously reciting a petty and over-detailed report. Lister had sat opposite him with defiant disinterest, leaning back in his chair with one grubby boot resting on the opposite knee, his dark eyes roving around the room with curiosity, trying to find something that might occupy his attention until Rimmer stopped talking. At first, Todhunter had been a little disapproving of Lister’s attitude – this was a formal matter after all – but at the part where Rimmer started listing the serial number of the vending machine where the dispute had taken place, his eyes had met Lister’s in mutual despair across the desk and he’d instantly forgiven him. Lister might be a little rebellious, even a little insubordinate, but when he was faced with this all day every day, who could blame him? The poor lad must have the patience of a saint. Lister, perhaps seeing the sympathy in Todhunter’s face, had given him a sweet rueful smile. Todhunter instantly decided to dismiss Rimmer’s complaint.

 

A few nights later he’d spotted Lister in one of the bars. His grey work overalls had been discarded in favour of black leather, and his eyes were scanning the room the way they’d scanned his office, full of bright curiosity. Every now and then he drew thoughtfully on a cigarette. Todhunter had watched him, intrigued. Before that night, if pushed to describe Lister (and feeling generous enough to disregard his general scruffiness) he might have charitably tagged him as ‘cute’, if boyish charm was your thing. But as he looked across the darkened room at him now, he saw something more. Maybe it was the change of clothes, maybe it was the open unguarded look on Lister’s face, maybe it was the new sense of respect he’d gained for him, or maybe he had just never really looked at him this way before, but he suddenly realised that Lister was actually rather good-looking. He found himself noticing things he’d never paid attention to before; like how soft that skin looked, how kissable those lips were, how fetching that little dimple in his chin was. There was something deliciously incongruous about the contrast of the angelic expression with the black leather and cigarette. Todhunter felt a thrill go through him. Beautiful and bad. Naughty but nice. He wanted to protect him. He wanted to corrupt him.

 

After that night, he’d been lost. Mildly obsessed even. Obviously he couldn’t proposition Lister; it would be highly inappropriate in so many ways. But he could dream. And oh, he did.

 

Lister perched on the chair on the other side of the desk and faced him eagerly. Todhunter forced himself to focus. “This is…a surprise,” he managed.

“Really?” Lister raised an eyebrow playfully, “I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I’m not very happy in my current role.”

“Well, no. But this is rather a change of direction, isn’t it?”

“Right now I’m the lowest rank on the ship. Anything is up, and entry-level posts like this don’t come along very often.”

“I suppose that’s true, but I don’t want to give you any false impressions, Dave. This would likely be a very boring role. If you really want to advance in your career, there are far more stimulating opportunities. With a bit of studying, I’m sure you could progress up to a second or even first technician post quite quickly.”

“I’ll level with you, man. Sir,” Lister added quickly, remembering that this was technically an interview, “I’m not interested in a career in the space corps. I’m on this ship because it was the cheapest way of getting me back to Earth. As soon as we’re in orbit, I’ll have my resignation letter ready. I don’t want to be a first technician or an officer, and I don’t want to waste time studying for a career I’m not going to pursue. But if I’m here for another four years then I’d rather be earning more money, and working for someone who doesn’t make me want to stick my head in liquid nitrogen.”

Todhunter smiled, “Well, there’s no denying it would probably be beneficial for everyone if you and Rimmer weren’t spending quite so much time together.” _But I’m not sure how beneficial it is for **us** to start spending much more time together_ , he thought desperately.

“I’ve put in for a transfer to a different bunk, but you know how it is. You have to wait for someone to die or get off first. This way, at least I wouldn’t have to be working with him too.”

 

Todhunter was torn. Lister’s current circumstances were rotten, and he was certainly sympathetic. Who wouldn’t be? What he was saying made sense, and Frank admired his honesty. The lad deserved a shot. But the idea of having him around every day, at his beck and call, so close and eager to please…. Todhunter realised he was biting on his knuckles and quickly pulled his hand from his mouth.

 

This was ridiculous. He needed a full-time secretary, and here was a perfectly viable option. Besides, dammit all, he was an officer in the space corps and he had a duty to do right by his crew. He had an opportunity here to improve this young man’s lot, and it would be despicable to deny him that because he wasn’t strong enough to resist temptation. If he couldn’t exercise self-control and trust himself to behave appropriately, then he wasn’t worthy of his pips. He cleared his throat purposefully, “You know your alphabet, Lister?” Lister grinned and sang it to prove his credentials. “You know how to use a spell-check?”

“Click the spell-check button.”

“Can you make tea?”

“Even while hungover and half-asleep after a drinking binge with Olaf Peterson.”

“Then you’ve got the job.”

“Yessss! Brilliant! When can I start?” Todhunter looked at Lister’s beaming face and relaxed a little. His obvious happiness reassured him he’d done the right thing.

“You can start tomorrow. Be here at nine.”

“Thank you!” Lister jumped up and shook his hand.

“Don’t get too excited. Like I told you, it will be rather boring.”

“I don’t care. It will be nice to finally have a job where I’m not spending all day bending over, or down on my knees.”

“I’m sorry?” Todhunter faltered.

“You know, forever crawling in and out of vents, up inside and under vending machines.”

“Ah…Yes,” Todhunter agreed faintly, trying to fight off the lurid images in his head. _Lord help me, what have I done?_ he thought bleakly.                          

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

                Lister entered his quarters, whistling happily. His cheerfulness was immediately cut short. “LISTER! What have I told you about whistling in here?!” Rimmer was sitting hunched over the table, textbooks in front of him and a pained scowl on his face.

“I’m sorry. I forgot I was entering the Cave of Doom where all happiness is forbidden.”

“You can be happy. Just do it silently.”

“Fine, I’ll stop whistling. But I want you to know that I’m only doing it out of the goodness of my heart, because _you_ are not my boss anymore.”

Rimmer looked up sharply, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, smeghead, that I’ve just been promoted. From now on, you’re just my roommate. Not my superior.”

“You? Promoted?” Rimmer’s eyes widened alarmingly.

“That’s right. But you don’t want to hear about it, man. I’ll just be in my bunk, being silently happy.”

“Wait a minute. Wait just a smegging minute. How did this happen? Who on Titan made _you_ a second technician?” Rimmer got to his feet, purple colour rising in his cheeks.

“No-one made me a second technician. I am no longer a technician at all. You are looking,” Lister made a grand sweeping bow, “at the First Officer’s new personal assistant. I am now a Level 3 administrator. I start tomorrow.”

 

Rimmer’s nostrils flared dangerously, “This is preposterous! You, a PA? You’ve got the brains of a newt and the literacy skills of a hamster. You spell Thursday with an F!”

“So? Everything’s done on computer now, I don’t need to know how to spell stuff.”

“Whatever happened to standards?” Rimmer bemoaned, “Are you seriously telling me you walked into an interview looking like _that_ , with no preparation, no qualifications, and they just handed you the role? You didn’t have to complete a written test or anything?”

“Nope,” Lister beamed, “My intelligence clearly shone through.”

 

Rimmer shook his head, “And I don’t suppose you gave a second thought to me, did you? Typical. Classic selfish, self-centred behaviour from Lister. I don’t know why I’m even surprised.”

“What are you talking about?”

“What am I going to do, take all of our shifts on my own?”

“You’ve got the whole of Z-shift to choose from. Just pick another assistant.”

“But with you gone, we’re already short-staffed. This is going to put terrible pressure on the whole team.”

“You’ll get a bunch of new recruits on our next stop.”

“That’s months away!”

“I’m sure you’ll manage.” Lister reached over and took Rimmer’s hand in both of his, staring into his eyes with theatrical gravitas. “Be strong, Rimsy. I know this is hard, but I’m needed elsewhere. You have to let me go. For the greater good.”

 

Rimmer shook him off. “The greater good! If this ship keeps going downhill like this, it’s only a matter of time before there’s a disaster of epic proportions, you mark my words.”

“I don’t see how me doing some filing for Todhunter is going to lead us to catastrophe.”

“You’re so short-sighted, Lister. An under-staffed Z-shift, a team leader under untenable stress. Anything could happen. As for you, one important document misfiled, one important fact missed, who knows what the consequences could be?”

Lister bit his lip. Was his new position really going to carry that kind of responsibility?  Frank had seemed so dismissive, surely the safety of the crew wasn’t going to be placed in his hands? “I think you’re overreacting. Is it really too much to ask for you to just be happy for me? Even congratulate me?”

“Congratulations, Lister. You may have just jeopardised this entire mission.”

“Y’know what? Never mind. I should have known better than to ask. At least my new boss is far more supportive!”

 

Rimmer paused for a moment, his eyes narrowing. “Wait. Do I really understand this correctly? You’re going to be working for Todhunter? Actually for him?”

“Yeah,” Lister replied defiantly.

“In his office?”

“Well…his outer office. But yeah.”

“And is he the one who interviewed you, by any chance?”

“Of course he is.”

 

A smirk crept across Rimmer’s face. “Oh, I see. Now I see it all clear as day. Yes, suddenly it all makes sense.”

“What does?”

“Never you mind, Lister. Nothing for you to worry about. You were right, I should be more gracious. Congratulations on your new job. I’m sure it will work out _splendidly_.”

“Where are you going with this, Rimmer?”

“Nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. Good luck with your new boss. I don’t think you’ll be begging to come back to me in a month _at all_.”

“What are you talking about? Frank’s a decent bloke.”

“We’ll see, won’t we?” Rimmer cracked his knuckles smugly, returning to his seat with an infuriating smile, “We shall see.”

 

“He wants to shag you,” Petersen said matter-of-factly in the bar that night.

“What???”

“Didn’t you know?” The Dane lit a dubious roll-up and puffed it nonchalantly, “Everyone else does.”

“Have you been buying stuff off Headbanger Harris again?”

“Nah, it’s true,” Chen chimed in, “He’s fancied you for ages.”

“You guys are cracked! We’re talking about _Todhunter_. The ship’s first officer. Tall bloke, plummy voice.”

“I know, it’s daft,” Selby commented, “He should be way out of your league, ya scouse short-arse.”

Lister bristled, and Petersen patted his shoulder soothingly. “Ignore him, Davey. You’re a fine catch.”

“Are you lot taking the smeg?”

 

“What’s the problem?” Chen sipped his beer, “You got a new job and a boss you can wrap around your little finger. You got it made, pal.”

“You think that’s the only way I could get this job? You don’t think I could do it on my own merits?” Lister asked irritated. His cronies roared with laughter.

“What merits?” Selby chortled, “Being able to chug a pint in six seconds ain’t gonna help you when he asks for a spreadsheet, is it?”

“I’m not doing anything complicated. It’s just filing and stuff. I am perfectly capable of a bit of sorting!”

“You can’t sort your own laundry, Dave.”

“You know what?” Lister drained his glass and banged it down, “I’m going home.”

“Yeah, you get a good night’s sleep. You want to look pretty for your new boss.”

“Smeg off!”

 

Back in his sleeping quarters, Lister marched in and barked “Lights!”

Rimmer raised his head from the pillow, glaring, “What are you doing, Lister? It’s past midnight!”

“You’ve heard that stupid rumour too, haven’t you? That’s what you were being so sly about earlier!”

Rimmer raised an eyebrow, “If you’re referring to the general public consensus on board this ship that our first officer may have an…unprofessional interest in you, then yes. I’ve heard.”

“How can you believe this? It’s total baloney.”

“He certainly seems to have offered you a degree of preferential treatment, from what I can see.”

“Because he dismissed that stupid complaint you made about me humming on duty?!”

“I had clear grounds for concern. You weren’t concentrating on your work.”

“You’re unbelievable. All of this is unbelievable! Why doesn’t anyone have faith in me?”

“Well, let’s face it, Listy. You are not exactly Brian Brains, are you? ”

“Hey! I’m not stupid!”

“Debatable. You got stuck in a revolving door last week.”

“My locks got caught!”

“Be that as it may, you don’t have any relevant qualifications or experience for the job he’s miraculously offered you. You don’t think that’s just a _wee_ bit strange?”

Lister’s certainty faltered. “He said it would be easy.”

“Of course he did. Didn’t want to put you off, did he? Didn’t want to frighten you with the idea that you might strain your only brain cell.”

“Up yours!”

“Look, believe what you like, Lister,” Rimmer lay back down and closed his eyes, tucking his arms beneath his head, “But don’t say I didn’t warn you. Don’t come crying to me when he starts asking you to stay late, when the long lustful stares become uncomfortable, when his hands start straying. You brought this on yourself.”

                Fuming, Lister jumped up into his bunk and burrowed down. To hell with Rimmer. To hell with everyone. This was all nonsense. He deserved this job. He’d be the best damn PA on this ship. He’d show them all.


	3. Chapter 3

                Todhunter entered his outer office the next day with a touch of trepidation. Lister was already there, dressed in a pair of faded khaki trousers, a short-sleeved shirt that had probably once been white but had now dimmed to grey, and a tie. The tie was black leather. This, Todhunter realised with a degree of both tenderness and pity, was Lister making an effort. “Morning, Dave.”

“Good Morning, Mr Todhunter. Can I get you a tea or coffee?” Lister chirped helpfully.

“Oh. Er, yes. Tea would be lovely. Milk, one sugar.”

“Coming right up, Sir.”

“You don’t need to call me ‘Sir’. We’re going to be spending a lot of time together, we might as well make it friendly. You can call me Frank.”

“Okay, then. Frank, it is.” Lister agreed. He went to the small vending machine out in the hall and returned with the tea. “Here you go. Tea; milk, one sugar.”

“Thank you.”

 

“So,” Lister clapped his hands together eagerly, “Where do I start?”

“Ah. Well,” Todhunter looked around the sparse room guiltily, “I should probably get you set up with a proper desk and computer and everything. For today, you could just make a start on the filing. I’ll bring you a stack of papers out and you can sort through. The filing cabinets in here are a bit dusty, but they’re still usable.”

“Okay.”

Todhunter went into his room and returned with an armful of old reports. “Here you go. This’ll do for a start. In all honesty, they’re so old I could probably shred them but I daren’t. I’m a terrible hoarder, I’m afraid. Just get them put away in some sort of order.”

“Consider it done.”

“Excellent. Let me know when you’re finished and I’ll give you some more. There’s no rush though, they’ve been sat on my desk forever.” He started to head back into his office but Lister spoke up shyly, “Thanks for this. For giving me this opportunity. I really appreciate it, you know. I’m going to try my best to do a good job.”

“I know you will.” Todhunter clapped him warmly on the shoulder. Lister’s sad grey shirt felt thin, the material bobbled from years of repeated wash and wear. Todhunter wondered if it was an old school shirt. He felt another wave of certainty that, however hard this might be, he’d done the right thing in giving Lister this break. “I have every faith in you,” he added reassuringly. He gave Lister an encouraging smile for good measure, then went into his office.

 

Lister squared his shoulders and went to inspect the old filing cabinets. What did all those rumour-spreading idiots think they were talking about? He’d been nervous coming in this morning, but Todhunter had been nothing but polite and professional. _I have every faith in you._ The words had given him the boost of confidence he needed. He could do this. And he would. Everything was going to be fine.

 

Behind the closed door of his office, Todhunter sat down at his desk, started up his computer, and tried not to think about the warm sturdy shoulder he’d just grasped. Or what he could do with that black leather tie.

 

 

A month later, his office space was almost unrecognisable. The mounds of paper cluttering his room were gone, now arranged in neat but precarious piles around Lister next door. He had _workspace_. He could look across the room and out of the porthole with an uninterrupted view. He felt like he could breathe.

Not only was his paperwork diminishing, but his inbox was gradually clearing. He’d given Lister access to his emails and calendars, and told him to do the same thing he’d done with the papers – find a way to sort it out. He’d been expecting to find an array of folders appearing on screen, with names like ‘Meetings’, ‘Training’, ‘Appraisals’, etc. However, he quickly discovered that Lister had a very distinct and straightforward approach to filing. He’d come in one morning to find twenty-six folders in his inbox labelled A-Z. Inside each folder was an assortment of sub-folders, also alphabetical, containing items listed in date order, with a word clue as to what they contained; such as ACCOUNTS 23-4-02 stationary or COMPLAINTS 22-6-15 rimmer. This approach had apparently extended elsewhere too. One day as they’d chatted, Todhunter had asked innocently if Lister was going to go for lunch. “No, I brought something.” Lister replied. He went to one of the filing cabinets and retrieved a lunchbox. “What’s it doing in there?” Todhunter asked, amused.

“I filed it,” Lister replied, as though it were obvious, “Under ‘L’ for Lister and Lunch.”

Todhunter had no idea how he was ever going to find anything again, but he didn’t care. It was better than having everything strewn around and, while it might not be a user-friendly system, at least there _was_ a system. That was good enough for him, and enough to make him feel more organised and, by extension, more relaxed.

 

Coming into the outer office in the mornings had become a pleasure too. It was no longer like edging through a disused storeroom. Once his own workstation was set up, Lister had slowly gone about making the place homely. He’d dusted down the storage and filing cabinets and relabelled them. Potted plants had started to appear. There was a tank in one corner with a pair of robotic fish. Lister said it would be soothing. It was.

And then there was Lister himself. The sight of that chirpy smile had become Todhunter’s favourite reason to get out of bed every day. Lister was always waiting for him with a cheerful demeanour and a cup of tea. He took down messages carefully, diverted unwanted calls and visitors, provided good humour and a sympathetic ear, and made a habit of bringing in decent biscuits. Todhunter especially looked forward to custard cream days. Not because he particularly liked them, but because watching Lister break them open to lick the filling was mesmerising. He hadn’t been wrong when he’d worried about the effect of having Lister around, it _was_ distracting, but it was pleasantly distracting. Much as he enjoyed looking at him, he’d found he also very much enjoyed Lister’s company. He’d quickly become incredibly fond of him. At first he’d been concerned that this might make his infatuation worse, but actually it made it easier to keep himself in check. If he’d been able to not care about Lister’s feelings or well-being, it might have been all too easy to risk everything for the chance of a little fun, but the idea of losing the enjoyable working relationship and camaraderie they’d built up was awful.

 

One Monday morning, Todhunter came in and was surprised to see Lister wearing brand new clothes. He was smartly attired in fitted black trousers, a crisp white shirt rolled to the elbows and a soft grey unbuttoned waistcoat. He was still wearing the black leather tie though. Lister was busy watering the plants but gave him the usual sunny smile, “Morning. Tea’s on your desk.”

“Perfect. Thank you.” Todhunter walked towards his office, debating whether he should say something. _You look nice today_. No, men didn’t say such things to each other. _New clothes?_ No. That suggested an unnecessary familiarity with Lister’s wardrobe. _Nice shirt._ No. It was just a plain white shirt. That would sound stupid. Well, he was in his office now. He’d spent too long thinking about it and now it was too late. Best not to say anything at all.

Lister watched the office door close and felt just a prickle of disappointment. With his first new paycheck he’d decided to go to the shopping mall and invest in some better work clothes. He’d got himself a handful of new shirts, a couple of pairs of trousers, two jumpers, a waistcoat and some shoes. Rimmer had come back to their room as he was trying on different combinations, trying to decide what to wear first. “What’s all this?”

“Just some new stuff for work.”

“My, my, Lister,” Rimmer started to snoop in the shopping bags, “What do we have here? Some of this stuff could be described as respectable. What can have brought this on?”

“In case you hadn’t noticed,” Lister snatched a bag out of Rimmer’s hands, “I have a decent job now. I thought I should try and look the part.”

“Finally told you to smarten up, did he? I must say, it’s about time. Obviously the shine is starting to wear off.”

“Frank didn’t say anything to me! I’ve finally got a bit of money to spend and I wanted some nice things! Is that so hard to believe?”

“For a man whose socks are a legitimate biohazard? Yes.”

“At least I don’t have to wear that stupid khaki uniform anymore,” Lister retorted.

“That stupid uniform is JMC standard issue, Lister, and I consider it a privilege to wear it. It’s a man’s uniform and it’s certainly more dignified than your pencil skirt and heels, or whatever secretaries wear these days,” Rimmer sneered.

“Gimme a break with the sexist claptrap. There’s plenty of male secretaries on this ship and most of them are higher in rank and better paid than you!”

Rimmer narrowed his eyes, “If I wanted to sit in an office filing my nails all day, I could. I chose a more meaningful career path.”

“Sure. God help us all if the soup nozzles get clogged.”

 

He knew he shouldn’t pay attention to Rimmer’s sour digs, and it was true, he _had_ wanted to buy some nice things for himself. But, part of the reason why, was so that he could look and feel more professional. Frank had never said a word about his clothes, and normally Lister wouldn’t have given two hoots, but he was determined to prove himself and make a success of this role. And – much as it went against all his rebel instincts – he wanted to please his boss. He wanted Frank to be pleased with him, proud of him. Lister had never had a boss he actually liked before. It was a new and slightly unsettling experience. He didn’t know what he’d expected, or wanted even, but some acknowledgement of the effort he’d made would have been…nice.

 

He gathered up the internal mail and took it through to the inner office. “Here you go,” he dropped it into the in-tray, “Nothing urgent.”

“Marvellous. Any messages?”

“No. Not yet.”

“Ahhh, a bit of peace and quiet. I might actually have time to work on my speech for the Officer’s Gala.”

“I’ll make sure you’re not disturbed for a few hours unless it’s urgent. Anything else?”

“No, that’ll be all. Thank you.”

 

As Lister turned to go, he heard, “You’re looking smart today.” It was a casual, throwaway comment, but it made him light up inside. 

“Oh,” he said nonchalantly, glancing back over his shoulder, “Thanks. I went shopping at the weekend. Gotta change things up now and then, like.”

“Absolutely.” When Lister left the room, Todhunter blew nervously through his lips. Had the compliment sounded innocent enough, innocuous enough? Had he judged the words, the moment, just right? Should he have said anything at all?

 

Back at his desk, Lister sat down grinning from ear to ear. It may have meant nothing to his boss, but that small note of praise had made Lister’s day.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

                “Dave, where might I track down last year’s status report on the ship’s wiring? I checked under R for reports.”

“Check under E for electrical, sub-folder W for wiring.”

“Ah, of course. How silly of me.”

“You’ll have to get better acquainted with the filing system,” Lister scolded playfully. “I won’t be here forever, you know.”

“Nonsense. You can’t leave. I’d be lost without you.”

“You’ve got a good four years to prepare yourself yet.”

“Are you sure you really want to leave when we get back to Earth? You could build yourself a decent career here, you know.”

Lister shook his head, “I don’t want to spend my life on this ship. Living under artificial lights, breathing recycled air. I want blue skies and rain and oceans and grass under my feet.”

 

The passion in Lister’s words made Todhunter pause. It seemed like a long time since he’d experienced any of those things. Even his last shore leave had been under the terraformed domes of Callisto, with its carefully controlled micro-climate. “What will you do?” he asked curiously.

“I’m saving up so I can buy myself a little farm.”

“A farm?” That was a surprise, “I didn’t think you were a country boy.”

“I’m not, but I can learn. I’m gonna get a sheep and a cow and breed horses.”

“Um…”

“Of course, the real money will be in the horses. I’ll keep the sheep for wool and the cow for milk. Maybe get some chickens for eggs. Be kinda self-sufficient, y’know?”

“Ah. I see,” Todhunter said, relieved.

“I was thinking about Fiji. The land is cheap there.”

“Isn’t it a bit…damp?”

“You can get drainage grants. I’d only need a few acres.”

“It does sound rather idyllic,” Todhunter sighed wistfully. “I like horses. Used to play polo years ago.”

“Rimmer always tells me it’s a stupid idea.”

“Well, if you think you can make it work then go for it. I mean, if the options are walking along a tropical beach in the morning to milk a cow, or trudging through grey corridors to a desk, then it’s worth trying for.”

“So long as the cow is good-tempered,” Lister grinned, “Rimmer’s moody but he’s never kicked me.”

“Have you ever tried to milk him?”

 

Lister giggled into his mug of tea. “When I get my cow,” he said with a twinkle in his eye, “I’m going to call him Arnold.”

“Him?”

“I can’t call a girl cow ‘Arnold’, can I?”

“But…you can’t milk a bull.”

“Really?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“They don’t produce milk.”

“I thought all cows did.”

“Just the females.”

“Huh. You learn something new every day. So how do you tell the difference?”

“Between a male and female cow?”

“Yeah.”

“Trust me, you can tell. Let me put it this way, Dave. If you try to milk a male cow, that’s not an udder you’re pulling, and that’s definitely not milk you’re getting.” Lister stared at him for a second, then rocked with laughter. “Ugh! That’s put me right off me tea.” He pushed his mug aside.

“You asked,” Todhunter smiled and went back into his office to finish working on his speech.

 

Inspired by his conversation with Lister, he wrote some stirring motivational stuff about having clear goals and working towards them. When he was done, he emailed a copy of the speech to the captain for approval, then sat back in his chair and looked uncertainly at the mess of folders on his personal drive. He clicked on the one marked ‘Misc’ and frowned. Half-finished drafts of old documents, outdated forms, old emails that he’d saved just in case. All of it useless and obsolete, and clogging up his drive and his mind. Todhunter glanced through the open door to watch Lister flicking through a stack of papers. He smiled fondly and imagined him trotting along a tropical beach on horseback, his locks blowing in the breeze. Happy and free. They’d both learned something today.

 

Lister had learned that you can’t milk a bull. Todhunter had learned that to get to where you wanted to be in life sometimes required bravery. If Lister was brave enough to buy a swamp in Fiji and turn it into a farm for breeding horses, without knowing anything about farming, or horses (or apparently anything about animal anatomy in general) then he could be brave enough to de-clutter his computer and finally get rid of these old useless files. He highlighted the whole folder and hit the delete key. The clear empty space that glowed back at him seemed to radiate serene energy. He was calm. He was organised. He was in control. And it was all thanks to his gorgeous secretary.

 

Lister looked up as Todhunter emerged from his office. “Why don’t you knock off early tonight, Dave?”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. Here,” Todhunter handed him a banknote, “Go have a drink on your boss.”

“Well, if you’re offering I won’t say no,” Lister said cheekily, reaching over to shut down his computer monitor. “You’re certainly in a very good mood.”

“I finally finished that damned speech that’s been worrying me. But even so, you’ve earned some fun. You’re doing a fine job.”

“Aw, thanks,” Lister blushed slightly, “You know, this may not be Fiji, but I really like working for you.”

“I’m glad. I like it too,” Todhunter said softly.

“Join me?” Lister asked shyly. Todhunter hesitated. Maybe he could. Maybe they could go to one of the bars, have a few drinks. Maybe he could forget for a few hours that he was Lister’s boss. Have a good time. Get a bit giddy. Put an arm around him and see what he does. Maybe he won’t shy away. Maybe he’ll lean against you, look up into your eyes…

“Not tonight,” he said, “I’ve still got a few things to do. But some other time.”

“You sure?”

Todhunter swallowed hard. _Don’t do it. If you can’t trust yourself, then just don’t do it._ He cleared his throat. “I’m sure. Go on,” he said more gruffly, “Get out of here before I change my mind.” Lister grinned and scampered out without further prompting.

 

Todhunter watched him go, and imagined the two of them riding along that tropical beach side by side.

 

 

Lister perched on a bar stool and sipped thoughtfully at his drink. Truthfully, he was disappointed Todhunter hadn’t accepted his invitation to come along. Kind and amenable as Frank was, there was still a palpable barrier between them of rank and class. Outside of the office maybe they could relax a bit, really get to know each other. He could find out how Frank really saw him. Lister hadn’t forgotten the rumours he’d heard, and there had been moments over the past few weeks when he’d wondered if they might be true. There’d been nothing like Rimmer had suggested; no inappropriate remarks or behaviour to make him uncomfortable. Frank had been totally professional at all times. But there had been moments between them – little acts of kindness like this evening – that suggested more than a friendly working relationship. A touch on the shoulder that lasted maybe a second longer than expected, smiles that were perhaps a little warmer, a little softer, than he’d seen towards other colleagues. It could be nothing. Even if Frank did have a soft spot for him, it could just be as a mentor. Perhaps he simply saw Lister as a little brother figure, someone he could help, someone he could teach. The problem was, foolish as it might be, Lister was starting to hope that wasn’t it. Part of him was starting to hope the rumours were true.

 

On the whole, Lister had always been more interested in women, although he’d enjoyed some youthful experimentation back in his heady sham-glam days. He’d never expected to find himself contemplating a serious relationship with another guy and certainly not someone like Frank Todhunter but, whatever Frank’s intentions towards him, he made him feel good about himself in a way few people ever had. He complimented and encouraged him, supported him, made him feel appreciated. _Needed_ even. Lister found himself working harder, going the extra mile, just to hear Frank praise him. This was something he’d never done before. Maybe it was a result of his turbulent childhood; adopted at birth, fatherless from an early age, an uninterested mother who left him to his own devices, and a grandmother who cared but lacked the energy to engage much. No-one, either family or teachers, had ever had particularly high expectations of him, and consequently he’d never had much to strive for, or a particular desire to please anyone. He’d finally found someone who motivated him to do – to _be_ – better. If everyone was right and Frank really did want him, Lister thought he’d be very happy to oblige. Unfortunately, as he’d told Rimmer, Frank was a thoroughly decent guy. And Lister suspected that the very thing that had led to these feelings developing, might be the same thing that stopped them ever being satisfied. Even if the rumours were true and his feelings were reciprocated, he didn’t think Frank would ever act on them while they were working together. He sipped sadly at his drink, and imagined hearing his boss telling him what a wonderful job he’d done….

 

….as they sprawled half-naked across the desk after the hottest sex either of them had ever had.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Over the next few days, Todhunter thought he noticed Lister staying later at the office. He was a little concerned. There was no urgency to any of his tasks and no real reason for him to stay behind. Initially he wondered if he was avoiding going back to his room because of Rimmer, and he made a mental note to see if he could do anything to hurry along his application to transfer to another bunk. He hated the thought of Lister being so miserable in his quarters that he was wasting his life away in the office. Then he wondered if perhaps he felt obligated to stay late to make-up the time for the night he’d let him go early, and worried guiltily about that. Lister himself showed no signs of either unhappiness or resentment, he remained as resolutely chirpy as ever, and Todhunter didn’t know how to broach the subject without making it awkward. The last thing he wanted was for Lister to think he didn’t want him around.

 

When the night of the Officer’s Gala arrived, Todhunter also stayed in the office later than usual. There was no point going back to his room yet, as he would only need a few minutes to get changed into his dress uniform for the event, and dinner would be included in the evening. He was only half-surprised that Lister stayed too. “You can go now, if you like,” he’d offered gently, but Lister shrugged it off.

“I’ll go when you do. You never know, you might need me.” Todhunter didn’t push it. If Dave wanted to be here he wasn’t going to throw him out.

 

At 6.30 he finally decided it was time to head back and get dressed. As his last task before leaving, he went into his personal drive to print off his speech for the evening. He clicked through, entered his password, and went into the folder marked ‘Gala’.

 

His speech wasn’t there.

 

Todhunter stared at the folder in front of him with numb horror. He ran his eyes up and down the list of file names, hoping it would reappear, hoping that this was just a stress blip and that he would see it any second. But no. How was this possible? Unless….he’d saved it in the wrong bloody folder. And that meant…he’d deleted it.

 

Heart thumping, he picked up his phone and called the captain. “Sir? I don’t suppose you still have a copy of that speech I sent you?”

“The one for tonight? No, sorry. Maggie deletes all of my actioned emails at the end of each week. Have you lost it?”

“I seem to have…misfiled it,” Todhunter admitted, his head sinking to his desk.

“Well, you’d better get looking, unless you’re planning to kick off the gala with a song and dance routine instead.”

“Thank you, Sir. I’m sure I’ll sort something out.” Todhunter put the phone back very gently in its cradle, then thumped the desk with his hand. “FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK!”

 

Hours he’d spent on that speech. _Hours_. All wasted. He could remember bits and pieces, he could probably cobble something together, but in the short time he had it would be nothing good. This was what came of trying to be organised. _No_ , his brain scolded sternly, _this is what comes of allowing yourself to get distracted by fantasies about your secretary._

“Frank…?” He looked up to see Lister’s worried face peering nervously around the door, “Is everything okay?”

Todhunter sighed heavily and stood up.  “I’m sorry, Dave. I didn’t mean to startle you. Everything will be fine. I’ve just made a giant cock-up, that’s all.”

“How giant? Life-threatening?” Lister asked anxiously, remembering Rimmer’s dire warnings about misfiled documents.

“No, nothing that bad,” Todhunter forced a feeble smile. Bless Lister for putting this in perspective. “I’ve just lost the speech I had prepared for tonight. I deleted it accidentally. God knows what I’m going to do about it.”

“Can you get the IT department to recall it?”

“No. It was on my personal drive, it won’t have been backed up.”

“Does anyone else have a copy?”

“Just the captain, and he’s deleted his too.”

“Will it still be in your ‘sent’ folder?”

“No, I cleared them all. I was _trying_ to be organised.” He rubbed anxiously at his forehead. “I’m such an idiot. I’ll look an utter fool tonight.”

Lister’s lips pursed thoughtfully, “When did you send it to the captain?”

“Just over a week ago.”

“Give me a sec,” Lister dashed back into the outer office. Todhunter followed him curiously.

 

Lister was bent over his computer, clicking industriously with a thoughtful frown on his face. The printer groaned into motion and spat something out. Lister scooped it up and handed it to him. “Is this it?”

Todhunter stared in dazed disbelief at the paper in his hand. It was his speech. “Yes!” he exclaimed, “But how did you have a copy? I never sent it to you.”

“I always have your inbox open next to mine so I can pick up anything urgent if you go out. I check all the ones from Captain Hollister and save anything that looks important. I saved it under ‘S’ for speech.” Lister told him proudly.

 

Todhunter wanted to punch the air. The weight of stress sitting on his chest evaporated so quickly it left a vapour trail of elation in its path. “Lister, you’re a star! An absolute star! Whatever would I do without you?”

Lister grinned up at him bashfully, “Hey, I’m just glad I could help. I’m so grateful you gave me a chance with this job.”

“Not half as grateful as I am right now,” Todhunter told him fervently. Overcome, he stepped forward, took Lister’s face in his hands and gave him a joyous kiss on the lips.

 

 _Oops_. He knew it was a mistake as soon as he did it. What was he thinking? This was grossly inappropriate. God, could this day get any worse? He’d let himself get too stressed and too damned emotional. He was about to step back and apologise profusely, when he felt Lister’s hand on his chest. Not pushing him off, or holding him back. _Caressing_ him. Whatever thin threads of propriety he still had remaining intact promptly snapped like cheap rubber bands holding up a suspension bridge. He pulled Lister tight against him. His hands slid down his back to the gorgeous round buttocks he’d dreamt of, pulling Lister’s small frame up into the kiss, feeling him grab onto his shoulders to stay steady. He walked him backwards until they hit the desk, then swept it clear with one arm. Lister gasped. “The filing!”

“ _Fuck_ the filing,” Todhunter growled firmly and bent him back across the desk, kissing him desperately.

 

Sadly, even in the throes of passion, he was still Frank Todhunter; and after a short fierce struggle his common sense prevailed. This was madness. Dave had put so much time and effort into getting this place organised, and he’d just scattered all his hard work across the floor without a thought. It was disrespectful. Everything about what he was doing was disrespectful. This was wrong. He backed away, averting his eyes from the arousing spectacle of Dave sprawled panting on the desk, the front of his new black trousers straining to contain a spectacular erection. He tried to ignore his own, insistent though it was. “What am I doing? Dave, I’m so sorry. This is such a mess. God, I’m so so sorry.”

“No, no,” Lister said quickly, “Don’t be sorry. Like you said, fuck the filing. C’mere….”

“No, I meant - oh gosh, it is rather a mess, isn’t it? - but I meant _this_. _This_ is a mess. I don’t know what came over me. It was an appalling act of misconduct. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.”

“Why? I’m totally okay with it. _More_ than okay,” Lister stressed breathlessly.

Todhunter shook his head unhappily. “Please forgive me. I should never have touched you. I should never have been so weak. You’re a good sweet boy, you don’t deserve this.”

Lister raised a disdainful eyebrow, “You’ve met me, right?”

Todhunter had to smile, “Yes, I’ve met you. And I stand by my judgement. It’s highly unprofessional of me to take advantage of you this way.””

“You’re not taking advantage of me!”

“It might not feel like it, but I am. As your boss, any kind of intimate relationship between us puts you in a very difficult position.”

“But…I want it.”

“So do I. But it doesn’t matter what either of us want. This simply can’t happen. It makes you too vulnerable and that’s unfair.”

“No, _this_ is unfair! Making the decision for me is unfair!”

“I have to do what’s right.”

“If you’re worried what people will think…”

“I don’t care what anyone thinks. I know my feelings for you aren’t a secret, although I foolishly hoped they were secret from you. I never dared hope…”

“So dare,” Lister slid off the desk and grabbed his hands, “I _like_ you, Frank. I _really_ like you. I don’t care if it’s unprofessional and I don’t care anymore if everyone thinks this is why you gave me the job. They all think that anyway.”

“Then let’s not give them further proof. You deserve better than that.”

“I don’t need protecting!”

“It’s my job to protect you, whether you want it or not.”

 

Lister glared at him reproachfully and Todhunter swallowed hard. “Look,” he said placatingly, “Don’t take this the wrong way. I wish I could sweep you into my arms and finish what we just started. I would love to throw caution to the wind, bend you back across that desk, and make you scream my name but…” his voice trailed off for a moment as they gazed hungrily into each other’s eyes. He cleared his throat. “But we can’t,” he finished limply. He forced himself to look away from Lister’s heated brown eyes. “I have to go. I need to get ready.”

“Fine,” Lister said shortly.

“Don’t worry about all of…this,” Todhunter gestured vaguely at the scattered paperwork. “Just go home. We can sort it out tomorrow.”

“Whatever. You’d better go or you’re going to be late.”

“Yes. Yes, okay. Bye then.” Todhunter staggered out unsteadily.

 

Lister leaned back against the desk with a sorrowful sigh, his heart and cock aching. He closed his eyes. So close. They’d been so close. “Dave?” His eyes flew open and his heart leapt. Frank was standing in the doorway, red-faced. “I’m so sorry,” he said again, his voice strained. Lister was about to run to him; kiss away all of the doubts, recriminations and fears, but then he spoke again, as if every word pained him. “I dropped my speech. It’s somewhere in all this mess. I hate to ask but…will you please help me look?”


	6. Chapter 6

Hollister raised an eyebrow as Todhunter finally arrived at the gala, at a brisk pace just short of undignified. He wasn’t panting, but his cheeks were reddened and he was noticeably flustered. “Cutting it a little fine, aren’t you, Frank?”  
“I know. I’m sorry, Sir.”  
“Not to worry. I assume the issue with your speech is sorted?”  
“Absolutely, Sir.” Todhunter extracted a crumpled piece of paper from inside the jacket pocket of his white dress uniform. After roughly a minute of torturously awkward searching, Lister had just printed him a new one. “All sorted.”  
“Well, let’s get on with it then. The sooner we get started, the sooner we can eat.”

Todhunter took a few deep breaths to calm himself as the captain greeted the crowd and introduced him. He was fine. He was ready, prepared, in control. _Everything_ was under control. Everything except his damned libido. He stepped up to the lectern feeling like a criminal. It felt like the guilt was written all over his face. He half expected an accusing voice to rise from the audience amidst the polite applause - “That man just made inappropriate advances to his secretary!”

He ploughed through his speech, trying not to think about the inspiration behind it. It was no good. For him, every sentence spoke of Lister. Every phrase carried in it the echoes of his quiet dedication to his dream of Fiji. Every word brought to mind the image of him, dressed in a light billowy white shirt, riding bareback through the tumbling surf. Lying across his desk with his shirt rumpled, and his lips pink from kissing, and his cock hard and hungry….  
 _Stop it! Focus, man! Focus!!!_

When he finally stepped down from the microphone and took his seat beside the captain, Hollister gave him an approving nod. “Great work, Frank. Very motivational. Very moving.”  
“I’m glad you liked it, Sir.”  
“You really delivered it with feeling. That’s what we need on this ship. A little more passion.”  
“Couldn’t agree more, Sir,” Todhunter replied darkly, reaching for his champagne glass. As soon as Hollister’s back was turned, he drained the glass in one gulp.

He forced down his fancy dinner, but he wasn’t hungry. He didn’t want caviar, or beef wellington, or chocolate torte. He wanted Lister. He drank glass after glass of champagne, oscillating between feelings of guilt and resentment. Who was he to stand before these people and give them advice after what he’d just done? Who were they to judge him for his actions? Why should it matter if he wanted to screw his sexy secretary on top of a pile of paperwork, if his sexy secretary was up for it? Damn Lister, with his big brown eyes, and melodic voice and irresistible charm. Why did he have to be so alluring? And why did he have to be so damn weak? Why did there have to be rules?

Todhunter looked around the room at the sea of sparkling white uniforms. He ought to be happy right now. He ought to be proud. He’d dedicated years of work to his career, to the JMC. He liked his job and was proud to be a high-ranking officer in the space corps. He considered his profession to be both noble and respectable. He believed in the status quo and the chain of command, and all the rules and regulations that accompanied it. He knew it existed for a reason; for the protection of the mission and the crew. But right now, in this moment, he hated it all.

  
Lister stood in front of his locker mirror, staring at himself critically. He’d arranged to meet up with his mates for a drink. After the day he’d had, he needed one. Or maybe six. And then he needed – very badly – to get himself laid. If this thing with Todhunter really was a dead-end then he needed to get over it and move on as quickly as possible. He couldn’t bear the thought of sitting at his desk every day pining, waiting for scraps of attention. Besides, he was horny as hell, and if he didn’t do something about it he was going to go berserk. He didn’t care who or how or where, but this night needed to end with a bang. Literally.

He’d had an unusually long indulgent shower, slipped into his most figure-hugging leather trousers ( _nothing wrong with displaying your wares_ , he told himself, eyeing the resulting bulge with satisfaction) and a clean black shirt. He gave himself a liberal spray of spicy musk for good measure.

Rimmer entered the room and coughed theatrically. “What is that smell? Are you fumigating yourself? Have the fleas finally become too much?”  
“Don’t know what you’re complaining about,” Lister retorted without looking around, “You gave me this stuff for Christmas.”  
“Well,” Rimmer grumbled, “I suppose it’s slightly more tolerable than your usual pong.” He took note of Lister’s outfit. “Are you going on a date?”  
“Just out.”  
“With who?”  
“The usual.”  
“Dressed like that?”  
“Yes. Dressed like this. Why?”  
“You usually only wear that shirt to work.”  
“Well, I’m wearing it now.”

Rimmer narrowed his eyes. “You’re on the pull, aren’t you? You’re going out looking for a bit of totty to roll around with!”  
“So what if I am?”  
“You’re not bringing some floozy back here!”  
Lister scoffed, “Too smegging right I’m not. You think I’m flaming mad?”  
“Well, I think it’s disgusting getting up close and personal with someone you only just met. It’s not hygienic, Lister.”  
“Is that what they tell you at your sad little Love Celibates meetings?”  
“It happens to be true. No-one has any standards anymore.” Rimmer went to the mirror over the sink and sighed dramatically at his own reflection, “Except yours truly, of course.”  
“Of course.”  
“It’s amazing I’ve managed to maintain any degree of decorum, living with you. You’re a very bad influence, you know. I caught myself last week wondering if I could wear the same shirt two days in a row without washing it.” Rimmer shuddered at the memory. “Disgraceful.”  
“Shocking.”  
“It’s a good job that I have such a strong upright moral character, or god knows what would become of me. I see your slack ways have already started to rub off on Todhunter.”

Lister spun round. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he demanded, heart racing. Surely Rimmer couldn’t know what had happened. Had Frank said something? Had the guilt weighed so heavily on him that he’d confessed?  
“I saw him on my way back here from the library just now. Slouched in a corner booth of one of the scuzziest bars aboard, drinking what looked like a _very_ sub-par martini.”  
“You just _happened_ to see him on your way past?” Lister asked suspiciously.  
“I may have overheard a conversation in the corridor suggesting he was there, and just checked to see if the rumour was true.”  
“Eavesdropping and spying. That sounds about right.”  
“Well, I thought if it was true someone should really report it to the captain. It’s not right, a man of his position hanging around in a seedy bar like that.”   
“Which bar?”  
“ _Choppers_. And to make matters worse, he was in his dress whites. Can you believe it? In a place like that? It’s an insult to the uniform. An insult to all the dedicated members of the corps like me who respect rank and authority. He’s lost all sense of propriety. But that’s what comes of hanging around with someone like y….” Rimmer turned around to make his point.

But Lister was gone.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

A mournful blues melody drifted hauntingly through the dimly-lit bar. Todhunter sat huddled in a booth in a far corner of the room, contemplating the torn vinyl of the seat. His drink was badly made and unpleasant, but it was strong. That was all he cared about right now.

He’d not been able to bear the polished atmosphere of the gala any longer. It was all too clean, too wholesome, and he felt like a stain on the entire thing. He felt like a fraud. Besides, after too many glasses of complimentary champagne, it was getting hard to hide how drunk he was. Frank Todhunter did not get pished at official functions. People would talk. He’d retreated here, to a place where he could be certain none of his officer colleagues would see him. Word might still get out, but so what? It was less interesting than the rumour already circulating about him. He smiled sadly at his half empty glass. _Pished_. There was a quirky Lister-ism he’d picked up. God, he couldn’t get the man out of his head. Maybe that was partly why he’d gravitated to this place. _Choppers_ , with its biker theme and rebellious vibe, was Lister’s sort of place; from the road signs and handlebars adorning the walls to the battered old jukebox in the corner. His pretty little rebel, who smiled like an angel and kissed like the embodiment of sin, would like it here.

“This seat taken?” a voice asked softly, and Lister shimmered into view in the seat opposite him like a mirage. Todhunter gave a harsh laugh. “I was wrong,” he said, “You’re not an angel. You’re the devil. I thought of you and you appeared to tempt me.”  
“I’ve never claimed to be an angel.”   
"How did you know I was here?"  
"Heard it through the grapevine. You stick out like a sore thumb in this joint." Lister gave him a brief up and down and an ironic smile. "Nice outfit by the way. Very dashing."  
"Ha. It's a costume. An illusion." He took a swig of his drink. "It's meaningless."

Lister glanced at the glass, “How much have you had?”  
“I don’t know. Not enough to make me feel better or sick, so I suppose I’ll keep going.”  
“Why are you doing this to yourself?”  
“It’s a form of sedation. It stops me from screaming.”  
“I don’t mean the booze. I mean, why are you beating yourself up like this?”  
“Because I’m not the man I thought I was.”  
“Because you got off with your PA? Jeez, Frank, give yourself a break. It’s not the end of the world. I’m single, you’re single. We didn’t betray anyone.”  
“I betrayed myself. And you. And my position.”  
“Listen,” Lister told him seriously, “You’re a moral guy. I respect that. I _admire_ that. It’s one of the things I like about you. But you don’t have to be perfect, man. You’re allowed to be flawed. This thing with you and me, maybe it’s not got the official stamp on it, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.”  
“I’m your superior officer.”  
“You’re the ship’s first officer. You’re just about everyone’s superior. Are you going to live like a monk for the next four years?”  
“It wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t directly under me.” Todhunter saw Lister’s mouth turn up into a playful smirk and scowled at him. “Stop that.”  
“Hey, I didn’t say a word.”

Todhunter took another sip of his horrible drink and studied Lister intensely. He was dressed all in black, an old customised leather jacket draped comfortably over his shoulders. The top two buttons of his shirt were undone to reveal a silky V of bare skin. He imagined running his lips over that skin, across the ridge of his collar bone and up his neck to his jaw. There was the suggestion of a five o’clock shadow there now, at odds with the normal baby-faced smoothness. This was a different Lister to the one he was used to. This was a Lister he'd only ever seen at a distance. Not deferential and unsure and eager to please, but confident and self-possessed. This Lister was a panther, not a puppy.

Ignoring the scrutiny, Lister casually dug into a pocket and retrieved a cigarette. He lit up and leaned back, throwing a careless arm across the back of his seat, and started to look around. “Nice place.”  
“It’s very you.”  
“What? A good sweet boy like me?” Lister grinned mischievously.  
“You are good. And sweet. That’s half the problem.”  
“You’d prefer me to be an arsehole?”  
"I can't figure you out. You're Bambi one minute, and bad boy the next. Which is the real you?"  
"Both," Lister said, apparently surprised, "Why is that so confusing? People are complex. For example, I like that you're a good man who makes me feel secure. I also like that there's something a bit kinky about getting it on with my boss. The two things don't cancel each other out. Just like you wanting to have your way with me doesn't mean you're a bad guy. Or a bad officer. It just means you're human."  
"It's not that simple. I have a responsibility to you. I don't want to abuse that and I don't want you to get hurt."

Lister took a draw on his cigarette and blew it out with amusement, “Man, you’re really invested in this whole image of me as a precious cupcake who must be protected, aren’t you? We've really gotta do something about that.”  
“It’s a fitting analogy. You’re delicious and tempting, but probably very bad for me.”  
“Everyone needs a treat now and then.”  
“But once you start you can’t stop.”  
“What’s the worst that could happen?”  
“We could both get fired.”  
“For an office fling? Get outta town. A slap on the wrist maybe. I don’t give a smeg, and you’re far enough up the career ladder that it won’t make a blind bit of difference.”   
“What if you start to feel trapped? What if you want to break things off, but don’t feel like you can?”  
“Are you going to give me the sack if I dump you?”  
“I wouldn’t do that. But you might think I would.”  
“I don’t. I trust you.”  
“It would still make things awkward.”  
“Shit happens. We just have to make sure the ride was worth it. Take a risk.”

Todhunter eyed him, "Did you come here to try and seduce me?"  
"Of course. I thought with a few drinks in you, you might be a little more open to the idea." Lister grinned naughtily.  
"Trying to take advantage of a senior officer. I should put you on report," Todhunter mumbled.   
Lister's dark eyes sparkled. "Pulling rank? I like it. David Lister reporting for punishment, Sir."  
"Dammit all, Lister. You are not making this easy. I'm trying to do the right thing here."  
"I know you are," Lister replied more seriously, "and I salute you for it. But I think it's a mistake. We can go back into that office tomorrow and pretend there's no aching sexual tension if you really want. We can dance round each other and keep a safe professional distance if we have to. But we'll both be smegging miserable. Principles are a fine thing, but they're not _everything_."

Todhunter felt a touch on his hand and looked down. Lister had reached stealthily across the table and was playing lightly with his fingers. "I'm not the good sweet boy you think I am," Lister said huskily, "but I can play the part if that's what you like. I'm a grown-up just like you, and I've got no problem breaking the rules for something I want badly enough. And I want you, Frank. Question is, just how much do _you_ want _me_?"

Todhunter couldn't speak. His head was buzzing from the booze and he could feel his cock swelling under the table. _How much do you want me?_ The question was absurd. He wanted Lister so much he'd not been able to think straight for months. He wanted him so much it filled his every waking moment and every sleeping dream. Lister drew his hand back, stubbed out his cigarette, and slid out of the booth. "I'm going to the gents," he said quietly. "You can leave if you want. Or you can follow me. It's up to you. But ask yourself before you decide - do you really want to spend your whole life doing the right thing?" He gave him a small flirty smile, then walked away.

Todhunter watched him go, his hungry eyes following the tightly leather-clad buttocks as Lister moved through the sparse crowd. He thought again of a panther and bit his bottom lip.   
_How much do you want me?_ Todhunter screwed his eyes shut and drained his glass.

  
Lister shut himself in a cubicle, leaned back against the partition and let out his breath slowly. He'd give it five minutes. That would be long enough to know, one way or another.

He only waited three.

There was a soft knock on the door and he opened it just far enough for Todhunter to slide in beside him. He bolted the door and they gazed at each other. "I have no idea what I'm doing," Todhunter whispered, dazed.  
"Yeah, you do," Lister whispered back, with the slightest hint of a triumphant smile. Todhunter reached up to cup his face, his thumbs lightly stroking his cheeks. "What have you done to me? You're a very bad influence, David Lister."  
"So I'm told," Lister murmured. He pushed himself up onto his toes and gently pressed their lips together.

The kiss wasn't gentle for long. Within moments they were wrapped around each other, hands stroking and searching, tongues darting playfully, cocks pulsingly hard. Lister leaned back against the thin dividing wall of the cubicle, pulling Todhunter against him, and felt determined fingers tugging at the fastenings of his trousers. Thank god. The leather was holding his swollen cock so tight it was almost painful. He gasped with both excitement and relief as the pressure was released, but it was immediately replaced by the firm grip of Frank's fist. Todhunter stopped kissing him to look down, so his eyes could actually confirm what his brain was telling him. "Good god," he whispered, "you're like a bull."  
"Can't milk a bull," Lister commented breathlessly against his ear.  
"Can try," he whispered back, and slid Lister's cock through his fist, root to tip. Lister's back arched against the wall and he whimpered, and pulled him down into another fierce kiss.

Todhunter kept stroking him; delighted by the hefty weight of the erection he held, by its length and thickness and the tender velvety softness of the overlying skin. It was more impressive than he'd even dreamed. Lister's hands delved into the starched white slacks of his dress uniform and they dropped around his ankles, followed swiftly by his boxers. Hot fingers kneaded his buttocks and his own erection bobbed eagerly. Lister reached for it and squeezed teasingly. "Permission to bring you off, Sir?" he panted.  
"Granted," Todhunter whispered gruffly and kissed him again, thrusting into the tight ring of Lister's fingers.

They were totally absorbed, totally lost, when the outer door suddenly banged open and the music and chatter from the bar momentarily filled the room before dimming again as the door swung closed. Inside their cubicle, they both froze as footsteps clacked past on the tiled floor. Todhunter's heart was hammering. Dave's eyes were wide. They clung to each other, afraid to move. Todhunter could barely breathe. What was he doing? Dear lord, if they got caught now, like this...

There was the gushing sound of pee into a urinal. Lister's startled expression morphed into a smirk. Todhunter glared at him sternly. _Don't giggle. Don't you dare._ He saw a wicked glint in Dave's eyes, then he buried his face in his shoulder, Frank assumed to stop himself laughing. He assumed wrong. Dave's lips caressed the side of his neck, his hot wet mouth suckling and making his nerve endings fizz. He gritted his teeth, determined not to moan. In retaliation, he swiped his thumb over the exposed head of Lister's cock and felt his knees tremble in response. _Hold it. Hold it, goddammit. Hold. It._

The footsteps went past them again, and when the door finally creaked open and clattered closed again, they both made incoherent sounds of combined hunger and relief, and gripped each other tighter. "Oh man. Oh fuck, that was close," Lister panted between kisses.  
"Can't...believe..." Todhunter growled against his mouth, "almost got caught...fucking in a toilet."  
"So humiliating," Lister teased, the movement of his hips quickening.  
"So...fucking...hot..." Todhunter replied through gritted teeth, matching his pace. Lister's face flushed with excitement. "Oh my god. You're filthy, aren't you? Underneath the uniform and the posh accent and all the rest, you're actually absolutely filthy!"  
"You've created...a monster." Todhunter told him, his hips jerking harshly as he started to come.   
"God," Lister yipped, his voice straining as his own orgasm took hold, "That's smegging fantastic."


	8. Chapter 8

They held each other, trying to regain their breath as quickly and quietly as possible. Lister let his head fall back against the cubicle wall, eyes closed in contentment. Todhunter gazed down at him adoringly. He kissed his exposed throat, the small dimple in his chin, his nose, cheeks, and then his lips, captivated by the contrast of the rough stubble and the hot silky wet mouth.

Lister opened his eyes languidly and half-smiled. "So," he murmured, "What now?" The knowing smile and the still-glowing embers of heat in those gorgeous dark eyes made Todhunter's barely softened cock twitch, and he realised he wasn't finished yet; not by a long way. "My place," he whispered back urgently. It must have been the right answer because Lister rewarded him with a long deep kiss. "I'll go first," he said, grabbing some toilet tissue and quickly cleaning himself up. Todhunter followed suit and watched Lister squeeze himself back into his scandalous leathers. The knowledge he'd be peeling him out of them again very shortly made it all the hotter, like a striptease in reverse. "Meet me by the lifts in five minutes."  
"Okay."

Lister kissed him again then slipped out of the cubicle. Todhunter heard the creak of the door and the brief snatch of noise from the bar as he went out. He let out his breath and bent down to pull up his trousers. His head span. God, he really was drunk. With his desire temporarily sated and Lister's intoxicating presence no longer distracting him, he found his anxieties returning. There was no denying his judgement was clouded right now. Thrilling as this was, was it really worth the risk if things went wrong? Was he making a huge mistake?

He left the bar feeling like everyone in the place was watching him. He walked straight out without making eye contact with anyone. Lister was waiting by the lifts as promised, alongside a rowdy group of girls from one of the maintenance shifts. They were flirting bawdily with him and he was playing along good-naturedly. Todhunter smirked at the scene. If only they knew...

They settled down a little as he approached. "Best behaviour now, ladies," one announced teasingly, "Officer present!" The group saluted him, including Lister who flashed an extremely cheeky grin. Todhunter tried not to look at him.  
"Don't mind me," He raised his hands innocently, "We're all off-duty. Don't let me spoil the fun."

The lift doors opened and the girls piled in, giggling. The two of them followed, and Lister leaned back casually against the opposite wall. The women stood between them in a cloud of chatter and perfume. Todhunter knew he should be playing it cool right now, but he couldn't take his eyes off Lister. What did it matter anyway if anyone saw him looking? His crush was common knowledge, and with Lister standing there dressed like that, who would blame him for staring? Lister, for his part, did an annoyingly admirable job of ignoring him. They worked together for heaven's sake, would a little small talk really be so suspicious? Finally, Lister risked a glance his way. Their gaze locked across the small space, and Lister gave him a subtle smile so sweet and sexy and full of promise that Todhunter was tempted to hit the emergency stop and take him then and there, audience be damned. Yes, he decided, this was worth all the risk and more.

When the girls finally got out a few floors up, Todhunter silently prayed that no-one else would get on but the gods of illicit love were not smiling on him. The lift stayed busy until they hit the officer decks. When the last passenger finally disembarked they were faced with a lone man hovering outside the doors. "Going down?" He enquired politely.  
"Nope!" Todhunter slammed the button for the door before anyone else could appear.  
"Not yet," Lister murmured teasingly. As the lift doors finally sealed, Todhunter pulled Lister to him forcefully. "Finally. I was going to snap if I had to wait any longer to touch you."  
"If you were going to snap, you should have done it while we had the girls in here with us. They'd have probably cheered us on."  
"The mood they were in, they'd have probably tried to join in."  
"First officer Todhunter instigating an orgy in the lifts," Lister purred, "Outrageous."  
"I don't want an orgy. I just want you."  
"Me too." Lister reached up and ran his hands through Frank's hair. "How far to your place?"  
"Just five more floors."  
"No time for any fun?"  
"I don't want another quickie." Todhunter pressed his forehead to Lister's, "I want to make love to you. Slowly. Thoroughly. _Exquisitely_."  
He felt Lister quiver in his arms. "That sounds good," he whispered back faintly.

 

 _Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep_.....

Todhunter stirred with utmost reluctance from his sheets and thumped his alarm clock silent. Good lord, his head was pounding. He hadn't had a hangover like this in years. But then, it had been quite a night.

He rolled over in his bed and remembered sadly that Lister was gone. To cheer himself up, he also remembered what had happened in this bed before he'd left. He trailed his fingers down the sheets, playing the night over again in his head. How Lister had looked as he'd slowly stripped away his clothes, as he'd tumbled down onto his back across the white sheets, his locks spilling messily across one bare shoulder. He remembered Lister lying here, his naked skin glossy with sweat, his fingers clutching spasmodically at the bedding, his moans as sweet as a symphony as Todhunter worked that magnificent cock. He stiffly kicked back the covers and looked down at his own naked body and morning-hard cock, who was enjoying this trip down memory lane as much as he was. He indulged in another flashback; Lister kneeling between his legs, those pink plump lips massaging his erection, sliding down the shaft, swallowing him deeply, big dark eyes looking up at him to gauge his reaction as he took him deeper and deeper....

Todhunter groaned and began to stroke himself. Whatever happened next in this thrilling affair, last night alone had given him enough wank fodder to last the rest of his life.

 _'You don't have to go.'_  
_'It's easier if I go now while everyone's asleep. Unless you want to explain to your neighbours why we're heading to work together in the morning."_  
_"I don't care. I'm sure we can think of something. I hate the idea of hiding you like a dirty secret."_  
_"Cheek. Who says I'm worried about your reputation? What about my street cred?"_  
_"Of course. How silly of me."_  
_"Go to sleep. I'll see you at the office."_  
_"Very well."_  
_"And if you call in sick because you had one too many tonight, I will lose a lot of respect for you. Understood?"_  
_"Who's the boss here?"_  
_"Oh, you want Bambi Dave back now? Okay then. You're the boss, Sir, and when you come in tomorrow with your stinking hangover I will be a good little secretary and have hot coffee waiting for you on your desk. Is that better?"_  
_"I'd rather have **you** waiting on my desk."_  
_"Hmmm. Let's see what kind of state you're in first."_

Despite his painful head, Todhunter smiled. Hangover or not, nothing would keep him away from his office today. He just hoped Lister hadn't been kidding about the coffee.

  
"What time did you get in last night?"  
Lister opened one eye and saw Rimmer, up and dressed, standing by his bunk with an accusing scowl. "I didn't," he replied truthfully. "I got in this morning."  
"What sort of way is that to behave on a work night?"  
"Why do you care? You're not my boss anymore. And don't act like I woke you up, you were snoring like a bear when I came in and you were still snoring when I fell asleep."  
"Well, where were you?"  
"What are you, my mum? I was out."  
"You were with someone, weren't you? After everything I said to you last night. Does nothing I say to you sink in?"  
"Not really, no."  
"So who was it?"  
"A gentleman never tells."  
"Lister, you are about as far from a gentleman as it is possible to be, without actually being a bacterial fungus. 'Fess up, miladdo. I'll find out anyway."  
"Then you don't need me to tell you, do you?"  
"You can't keep secrets on this ship. Someone will have seen you."  
"If you say so."  
"I do say so! I'm going to get to the bottom of this, you wait and see."  
"Great," Lister sat up, stretched, and hopped down from his bunk, "Have fun. While you're playing detective, I'm going to get ready for work."

Rimmer looked him over suspiciously, "Why are you being so mysterious?"  
"Me not wanting to share all the details of my sex life with you is suddenly mysterious? We're not exactly BFF's, Rimmer, and even if we were there's the little issue of you being a massive gossip."  
"That's a bit unfair, Lister."  
"No, it isn't. You love stirring things up and muck-spreading."  
"That is not true!"  
"Yes, it is. It makes you feel important."  
"Well, you know what they say. Knowledge is power."  
"Yeah. And the days of you having any power over me are gone. So mind your own smegging business."  
"Fine. Have it your way. It's not like I care about your sordid exploits anyway." Rimmer sniffed and stalked out. Lister watched him go, with just a hint of concern. He knew Rimmer well enough to know that he wasn't going to drop this so easily but, even if he and Frank had been spotted together last night, he was fairly certain nobody had seen anything incriminating. He thought their secret was probably safe for now.

  
When Todhunter finally made it down to the office that morning, a little later than normal, he was greeted by Lister holding out a styrofoam cup. "Coffee," he said with a knowing smile, "Black."  
"Thank god for that," he took it and sipped it with a wince.  
"How you feeling?" Lister asked gently, leaning back against the desk.  
"Wee bit fragile, but I'll survive." He took in Lister's bright face and neatly pressed white shirt. "You seem very chipper."  
"I wasn't the one drinking. Although I didn't get much sleep."  
"I know the feeling."

Lister gave him a nervous smile, "We should probably have a little chat."  
Todhunter's heart dropped. A little chat? Was Lister dumping him already? He'd thought things were good between them when they'd parted early this morning. Had he done something wrong? "Oh. Well, yes, alright then. Let's er..." He inclined his head towards the inner office. Lister followed him in. Once the door was shut, he carefully took the hot coffee out of Todhunter's hand and put it on the desk, then put his arms up around his neck. Relieved, Todhunter squeezed him close. "Last night was amazing," Lister murmured into his shoulder.  
"I'm so glad to hear you say that," Todhunter replied, nuzzling his face into the curls on top of Lister's head, "You had me worried for a moment there."  
"Well, we _do_ need to talk," Lister leaned back just far enough for them to make eye contact. "If we're going to make this a thing - like an ongoing thing - we probably need to establish some ground rules."  
"Okay," Todhunter stroked his back, "What do you have in mind?"  
"Well, much as I hate to say it, I think we should make a pact that there's to be no goings on in the office. We keep it strictly business at work."  
"Really?" Todhunter felt a pang of disappointment. He'd been looking forward to the idea of some goings on in the office.  
"If we muck around here we're far more likely to get caught, and if we do decide to call it a day at some point at least it won't affect our working relationship as much."  
"I suppose you're right."  
"Besides," Lister reminded him primly, "I don't know about you, but _I_ have a job to do. I intend to maintain a degree of professionalism."  
"Why do I feel like our roles have reversed? All of a sudden you're the one worried about professionalism, just as I decide to be a bit rebellious?"  
"Because now I've seen your rebellious side, I think I'm going to need to keep you in check or god help us both."  
" _You're_ going to keep it in check? After seducing me into lewd sexual acts in the men's toilets last night?"  
Lister grinned, "That was pretty naughty, wasn't it?"

Despite his headache, the memory and Dave's wicked smile made Todhunter's blood run hot. "It was naughty. And sexy as hell."  
"You don't regret it?"  
"Not a single second."  
"Good." Lister gave him a kiss and Todhunter thrilled quietly at the fact that this was really happening. He'd wanted this for so long. "Listen," he said shyly, "All flirting aside, I want you to know that this isn't just about sex. I really like you. Rather a lot actually."  
Lister's tender smile made his heart melt, "I really like you too."

  
Several floors below them, Rimmer faced Z-shift ready to give his usual morning orders and pep talk. He stepped up and cleared his throat to gain the attention of the room. Then tried again, more loudly. Then he gave up and barked, "Right, listen up!" The chatter faded to a resentful silence. "We've got a busy schedule so I want everyone giving 110%. There's no place in this shift for slacking off or idle chitchat today, understood? I'll be reading out your work assignments in just a moment but, before I do, I just want to ask you all a very important and relevant question, for very important and relevant reasons that I can't go into right now." He narrowed his eyes and scanned the faces before him. "Did anyone see Lister last night?"

 


	9. Chapter 9

"Frank?" Todhunter looked up and smiled at the sight of Lister leaning in the doorframe, "It's after five.  Is it ok if I head off now?"

"Oh," the smile dropped from his face, "Well, uh.  Yes.  Of course it is."

Lister took in his downcast expression and smiled teasingly, "It's just, I was hoping I would have a date tonight, and thought I should get ready."

The smile bounced back to Todhunter's face and he held out a hand.  Lister took it and allowed him to tug him over.  Todhunter didn't get out of his chair, but put his arms around Lister's waist and nuzzled his face into his stomach.  "You don't really need to go, do you?  You could come straight up to mine.  I'll cook you dinner."

"That sounds lovely, but I should probably show my face back at mine first.  Rimmer's already suspicious about where I was last night.  If he thinks it's something serious, then he'll really start digging.  I'll go back for half an hour, make something up to throw him off the scent, then come on up to you once rush hour onboard is over.  It's Friday night, so I can stay out without making him too suspicious."

 

 

"This is all _highly_ suspicious, miladdo."

"What is?"

"You've just had another shower.  Twice in as many days."

"I didn't think you were counting.  Besides, I got sweaty last night."  Lister grinned lasciviously, hoping too much info would scare Rimmer off.  His bunkmate shuddered pointedly, but didn't take the hint.  "How anyone could bear to have even a drop of your sweat on them is beyond me.  It's probably corrosive."

"You mean you didn't work out my mystery lover yet?" Lister asked innocently. 

Rimmer glared at him.  "I've worked out it must be someone pretty skanky for you to be this embarrassed.  I've made a list of all the ugliest women onboard and I'm going through them by process of elimination."

Lister recoiled, but despite his disgust he was actually relieved.  If Rimmer was making a list of women, then he was clearly far enough off track for them not to worry about discovery.

"Does it never worry you what a despicable excuse for a man you are?"

"I don't know what you mean.  I'm just honest, that's all.  I say it like it is.  None of that 'true beauty is within' nonsense for me, Lister.  I call a spade a spade, and if you look like you've been hit in the face with one, I'm not going to dance around it."

"You know what's really sad?" Lister told him, "Whatever you think of all those women on your list, there's probably not a single one of them who would touch you with a 10-foot pole.  Maybe you should think about why that is."

"Well, they wouldn't touch you either!"

"According to your theory, at least one of them did."

 

Rimmer huffed irritably, "Was it Fletcher?"

"No."

"Jenkins?"

"No."

"Carpenter?"

"She's fifty-six!  And no."

"Donaldson."

"She's not ugly!"

"Ah-ha!"  Rimmer pointed at him accusingly, "Maria Donaldson!  I knew it!  I knew you'd slip up sooner or later, Lister."

"It wasn't Maria."

"You would say that."

"She's on shore-leave, hadron head.  She's been gone for over a week." 

Rimmer's arm and face fell.  "Oh. Well, there's still plenty more on the list.  And if your standards are _that_ low then it could be any of them."

 

Lister shook his head and slipped on his jacket.  "Enough of this smeg.  You are a vile human being and I refuse to spend another minute in your company.  I'm going out to have some fun and you can stay here and fume about the fact you are never going to know who I was with last night."

"I'm not fuming.  I don't care.  The subject is of no interest to me at all."

"Yeah.  Right."

 

 

When Todhunter opened the door to his quarters, Lister looked up at him with a tight smile.  “I need a drink.”

“Oh dear.  What’s wrong?”

“The usual.  Rimmer being a total arsehole.”

“I’d have thought you’d be used to it by now.”  Todhunter stood aside to let him in.

“Sometimes he surprises even me.  The good news though, is that he definitely has no suspicions about us.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well, he’s made a list of women he thinks I might have been with last night, so pretty sure.  Only, he’s decided the reason I won’t tell him is because it’s someone ugly, so he’s ranked them on who he personally finds least attractive.”

“Such a charming man,” Todhunter pulled a face.  “What do you want to drink?”

“What have you got?”

“Well, I’ve got a few bottles of wine stashed away but something tells me you’re not a Pinot Grigio sort of chap.”

“What gave it away?” Lister grinned.

“Do you drink whisky?”

“Ooh, yes.”

“Glad to hear it.”

 

Todhunter retrieved a bottle of amber liquid from under the counter and Lister nodded approvingly at the label.  “On the rocks?”

“Please.”  

Todhunter poured a measure into each glass and the ice tinkled.  They clinked their glasses together and each took a sip.  “Ahhh,” Lister smiled, “All better.  What’s for dinner?”

“I have a confession to make.  I’m not much of a cook.”

“Whatever.  I’m not fussy.”

“It sounds awful, but I’ve never really needed to learn.  My halls of residence were catered at university and the academy.  Then I went straight into the space corps, and there’s always somewhere to get food onboard, even if it’s just the vending machines.  I’ve always meant to learn, but I’ve just never had enough motivation for it.”

“Awww,” Lister teased, “Poor little rich boy, being cooked for all his life.”

“It’s awful, isn’t it?” Todhunter admitted, ashamed.

“Next time we have dinner together, I’ll give you a shopping list.  I’ll make you a curry that’ll blow your mind.”

“That sounds fun.  But, uh, is vending machine fodder acceptable for tonight?”

Lister smiled and put down his empty glass, “Yeah.  After all,” he sidled into Frank’s arms, “I didn’t come here for the food.”

Todhunter beamed and squeezed Lister tight, planting a big kiss on the side of his neck that made him giggle and squirm, “How about we skip dinner altogether and go straight to dessert?”

 

They headed to the sofa and settled down to making out.  “Don’t take this the wrong way,” Todhunter remarked after a while, smiling, “I like your shirt, but I think maybe you should take it off.”  Lister looked down at the electric swirls of colour on his Hawaiian shirt. 

“Am I giving you a headache?” he joked.

“You’re giving me a raging hard-on.”

“I’m not sure taking the shirt off will help with that.”

“It’s a start.”

“It seems a shame.  There’s too much grey on this ship.”

“You brighten it up just with your smile.  You don’t need anything else.”

“Okay, easy Romeo.  Relax, you’re getting some tonight.  No need to lay it on thick.”

“It’s true, though.” Todhunter caressed Lister’s leg, “You’ve been a real ray of sunshine in my life recently.”

“Well, I’ve got to admit, you’ve made a real difference to my life too.  Now it’s only hideous in the twenty-five percent or so of time when I really can’t escape my roommate.”

“So spend more time here.”

“It’ll be tricky to hide.”

“We’ll find a way.  I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

“Right now,” Lister leaned over and placed little kisses along his jaw, “I’m happy enough to make up for it.”

“You’d be even happier with your shirt off.”

“Yeah,” Lister whispered, “I think you’re right.”

 

Some time later, after they’d worn each other out and shared a vending machine meal between the rumpled sheets of Todhunter’s bed, Lister called time on their tryst.  Todhunter watched him from his pillow as he half-heartedly buttoned his luminous shirt, his round bottom peeping out temptingly underneath.  “Are you sure you won’t stay?”

Lister smiled sadly, “I want to.  But it’s probably better to play it safe for now.”

“You’re probably right,” he sighed.  He let his eyes wander down to those sturdy bare thighs, and imagined the little indentations his fingers would leave were he to squeeze them.  “God, you’re gorgeous,” he remarked dreamily. 

 

To his surprise, Lister turned a bit pink and shrugged off the ardor with a sheepish grin.  “And I thought you needed good eyesight to be an officer.”

“Nothing wrong with my eyesight.  And certainly nothing wrong with you.  I’m particularly liking this look.”

“The no trousers look?” Lister raised his eyebrows.

“Yes, it suits you.  I think you should walk around like this all the time.”

“Maybe not such a great idea,” Lister shimmied his bottom fetchingly and his junk jiggled between his legs, “Don’t want to make people jealous, do I?”

“Jealous?  You’d cause a riot.  They’d be queuing down the corridors for a piece of that.”

“Well, you’re not so bad yourself, Sir.” 

“Will I see you tomorrow?”

“Three nights in a row?  You’ll get sick of me.”

“Not a chance,” Frank smiled dangerously, “We’re not even halfway through my list of ‘stuff I want to do to David Lister’ yet.”

“Oh, well, in that case I suppose we’d better schedule something in.  I’d hate to think we weren’t making sufficient progress on your daily goal list of sexual fantasies.”

“We’ll have to be more organised I’m afraid.”

“I’m your secretary,” Lister retorted loftily, sliding into his boxers, “Getting you organised is my job.”

 

When he was fully dressed, he crawled back onto the bed and lay down on top of Frank, only the thin bed sheet between him and his lover’s naked body.  “I’ll be back tomorrow then.  In the meantime, we’d better think of a cover story in case anyone notices how often I’m up here.”

“We can tell people I’m teaching you Esperanto.  After all, you’ll be spending plenty of time in here learning the advantages of a second tongue.”  He played flirtily with the front of Lister’s barely-buttoned shirt.

Lister tittered, “Nice idea, but it could backfire if that gets back to Rimmer.  He’s been trying to learn Esperanto for years, I don’t want him to start quizzing me.  What about guitar?”

“I can’t play the guitar.”

“No, but I can.  We’ll say _I’m_ teaching _you_.”

“Yes, that could work,” Frank mused, “It’s unlikely anyone would have a guitar to hand that they could put us on the spot and insist we prove it.”

“Settled then.  You are now my music pupil.”

“Excellent,” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, “Would the first lesson be fingering by any chance?”

 

Lister rolled his eyes, pulled the pillow from under his head and whacked him with it.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

In the weeks that followed, Todhunter cursed himself for ever even trying to stay away from David Lister. He was disgustingly happy. Their professional performance didn't seem to have suffered one bit; Lister was as eccentrically efficient as ever (the logic behind his filing continued to both delight and challenge Todhunter on a daily basis, it was better than sudoku) and he himself had a new energy and zeal in his day-to-day duties that had been absent for some time. Even Lister's insistence that they behave themselves at work hadn't been too much of a stretch in the end. Their eight hours a day of 'look-but-don't-touch' office time had become foreplay; and gave them the time and inspiration to plan the evening's festivities. Lister was continuously surprised and impressed by Frank's imagination, and he in turn by Lister's sense of adventure and open-mindedness. The first time they'd engaged in anal sex, Lister's ankles had been somewhere round his ears and he'd been buried to the hilt in that maddeningly perfect arse before Lister had breathlessly admitted, "I've...never...done this...before..."  
"Oh fuck...Never?" he'd panted in reply.  
"Nope."  
"...Should I stop?"  
"God, no."  
"Thank fuck for that."

Lister had teased him one night, as they lay naked on the couch, his head resting on his folded arms against Frank's still heaving chest, "Y'know, you swear an awful lot in bed."  
"Oh." Todhunter blushed bashfully, "Sorry."  
"No, no," Lister stressed, "I love it. You're normally so calm and polite, and you've got that whole tally-ho thing going on. When you start screaming obscenities it just makes the whole thing feel extra super smegging dirty." He grinned naughtily.  
"Hmm, you like that do you?"  
"I really do."  
"You like it when your posh, academy-educated, first-officer boss talks dirty to you?"  
"Ooh, yes, yes, yes."  
"Well, in that case," Frank rolled them off the couch onto the rug, pinning a giggling Lister beneath him and planting kisses wherever he could reach, "I'm going to get up, and I'm going to leave you naked on the floor here like the dirty, slutty little secretary you are, while I pour myself a fucking drink. And when I've fortified myself with a nice cold shot of whisky, I'm going to come back here, flip you over, and ride you like my prep school pony." The look on Lister's face had been almost as satisfying as the sex that followed. Almost.

So far, Lister had only been caught leaving Todhunter's room once, and that had been by his immediate neighbour, Beckett. She had been coming in just as Lister was going out one night. They had seen the look of surprise on her face and immediately pasted on big innocent smiles. "Ma'am," Lister saluted chirpily.  
"Hello, Lister," she'd discreetly given the pair of them a glance up and down, no doubt checking for love bites or wrongly-buttoned clothes. Fortunately, on this occasion, there was no incriminating evidence visible. "What are you doing up here at this hour?"  
"Lister's been kind enough to give me some guitar lessons," Todhunter said immediately.  
"I never knew you were musical, Frank."  
"Well, I'm not really. It's one of those things I've always wanted to do but never got round to. When I found out that Lister here was something of a whizz, I took the liberty of asking him for some pointers. Just for beginners," he added modestly.  
"That's very good of you, Lister. Giving up your evenings to spend time with your boss."  
"Hey, I have a gift. It would be selfish not to share it. Besides," he gave her a cheeky wink, "I'm not doing it out of the goodness of my heart. Always good to have a bit of extra beer money."  
"Of course." This explanation seemed to satisfy her. As Lister disappeared down the corridor to the lifts, she raised an eyebrow in Todhunter's direction. "Well, at least it's one way to make sweet music together, hey Frank?"  
He found himself grinning sheepishly, "Don't tease."  
"Well, just be careful," she warned, "When you start spending time together out of work, it's all too easy for this sort of thing to slide from informal to inappropriate. I don't mean that disrespectfully, it can happen to anyone, but if there's already a spark there..." she eyed him meaningfully.  
"I know, Alice," he said, the smile slipping from his face as he was prickled with a rare feeling of guilt, "Believe me, I know." He ducked back into his quarters and stared at the dishevelled bedsheets. Never mind informal, he suspected they may have already crossed the line from inappropriate to obscene. He sighed. Yes, what they were doing was unprofessional, there was no escaping it. But they were having such fun together, it was so easy to forget all the reasons why it was wrong.

As they chatted over dinner one night, Lister shared some exciting news. "Did you hear about Peterson's roommate? Rosenberg? He's been given six months shore leave. Apparently he's had some kind of breakdown."  
"Yes, I know. I think your friend's homemade moonshine may have had a hand in it."  
"It's pretty potent, sure, but the hallucinations don't last long. I think there was some underlying stress there. Anyway, Peterson says I can squat with him while he's gone."  
"That's nice, but six months isn't that long."  
"No, but it might be long enough for me to get officially re-assigned."  
"True. It's worth a shot." Todhunter was aware that things between Lister and Rimmer were at an all-time low. Rimmer's failure to unravel the mystery of Lister's night of passion had clearly rankled, and he'd been even more unpleasant than normal of late. Todhunter had hoped that separating them at work, plus the extra time Lister was spending with him, might have eased the tension a bit, but if anything it had got worse. In fact, it came to a head the very next day.

They were having their tea break in the office, when Rimmer marched in and saluted stiffly. "What are you doing here?" Lister asked suspiciously.  
"I'm here to see First-Officer Todhunter and to register a formal complaint."  
"Is that so?" Todhunter sighed and put down his tea.  
"Yes, sir. I wish to make a complaint about Lister."  
"I see. Well, it has been a while since the last one, I suppose. What is the nature of your complaint?"  
"I wish to report that Level Three Administrator - Lister, David - has knowingly and brazenly flaunted JMC regulations by moving into unassigned quarters without proper authorisation."  
"I'm just staying with Peterson while his roommate is gone! That's not against the rules!"  
"Technically it is," Rimmer argued, "Space Corps directive 473801/F states that any crew-member spending more than 5 out of 7 nights outside of their assigned sleeping quarters should apply for either a special permit of authorisation, stating the reason for the request and the intended duration of the stay, or apply for an official re-assignment to the new quarters if the arrangement is to be permanent."  
"Well, it's actually 473801/D," Todhunter told him, sharing a weary look with Lister, "But other than that, you are technically correct."

"I _have_ put in an official request for re-assignment," Lister snapped, "I put it in ages ago."  
"You put in a general request. Not a specific request regarding Peterson's quarters."  
"Fine," Lister growled, "I'll amend the form."  
"Either way, it's not been approved, so you can't move out until it is."  
"Why are you interfering?" Lister's voice was rising now, "You hate living with me, so why try and get in the way of me moving out?"  
"I just don't like people bending the rules. I don't care what you do, so long as you go through the proper channels, like everyone else has to. You can't just do whatever you like."  
"Alright, alright. Enough." Todhunter held up a hand to silence the pair. "Rimmer, if Lister amends the request form and agrees not to spend more than five out of seven nights in Peterson's quarters until it's approved, will you agree to drop the complaint?"  
"No, sir."  
"Why not?"  
"Because he's already spent more than five out of seven nights there over the past two weeks and should therefore be disciplined accordingly."

For a moment, Todhunter was confused. Rosenberg had only been gone a few days, so what was Rimmer talking about? He looked questioningly at Lister, who said nothing, but gave him a look. Then he realised, like a fool, that of course Lister hadn't been in Peterson's quarters all those nights; that was just the excuse he'd given Rimmer. He'd actually been in _his_ quarters.  
"Okay," he said slowly and carefully. "Well, as Lister was clearly unaware of the regulation in question, and as he is taking steps to make the move official, I think this time we'll let it slide."  
"Again?" Rimmer trilled, outraged. "This is the second complaint I've made against Lister that you've just 'let slide'!"  
"This is a busy ship, Rimmer. Most of us do not have time to make official complaints about every little issue and I certainly don't have time to process them all."  
"With respect, Sir, I think your judgement may be slightly clouded," Rimmer's lips thinned.  
"How so?"  
"If I may speak freely, Sir, it seems to me that you have a history of treating Lister with a degree of favouritism." Rimmer glared at them both.

Todhunter struggled to keep his temper, "I believe I deal with all the crew equitably, Rimmer, and I deal with all issues as I deem appropriate as this ship's first officer. My decision not to discipline Lister is not down to favouritism, it is because I have made a decision not to waste my time or anyone else's on rewarding your pettiness or spite. Now unless you have any further work-related concerns that you wish to raise, I would suggest that you consider this matter closed and return to your duties."  
"And I would suggest to you, _Sir_ , that you get over your frankly bizarre and revolting crush and actually do your job!" Rimmer's nostrils flared rebelliously.  
"Rimmer!" Lister was genuinely shocked.  
"Right," Todhunter got to his feet, "Three weeks PD, Rimmer."  
"For what? Speaking the truth? Everyone on board knows you've been hankering for a bit of Lister-flavoured love-lolly for months!"  
"That is _enough_ ," Todhunter barked. "One more word out of you, and you'll be down for gross insubordination. Is that clear?"  
"What's going on in here?"

All three of them turned to see Captain Hollister lumbering into the room. Rimmer immediately snapped to attention. "Sir, I wish to lodge a formal complaint against both Level Three Administrator Lister, David and First Officer Todhunter, Frank."  
"On what grounds?"  
"I believe First Officer Todhunter has and continues to award the aforementioned Lister with an appallingly blatant degree of preferential treatment in the hope of obtaining sexual favours, Sir! And that the aforementioned Lister is taking advantage of the situation by flaunting rules and regulations because he knows he can get away with it!"

Hollister gave him a long look, turned to look at Lister and Todhunter cringing in the background, then turned back to Rimmer. "Put it in writing, Rimmer. I'll add it to the pile."  
"But, Sir...!"  
"You've already got three weeks PD, Rimmer. Unless you want six, I'd suggest you get back to work." Rimmer stalked out. By the angry clicking of his boots, Lister could tell he was already composing that complaint in his head.  
"Well, that should make for interesting reading at least," Hollister remarked dryly, obviously thinking the same thing.  
"I'm sorry, Sir," Todhunter's face was still red, "That got a little heated."  
"Don't let it rattle you, Frank. Here, I brought you something." Hollister handed over a red envelope.  
"Sir?" Todhunter opened up the envelope. Inside was a birthday card signed by the senior officers and some gift tokens to be used in the ship's mall.  
"We had a little whip-round in the officers club," Hollister explained. "I know it's not your birthday 'til tomorrow but I'm giving a seminar all day and the team felt it was more appropriate for me to do the honours."  
"Thank you, Sir," Todhunter said, surprised, "Please tell everyone that I'm very grateful and truly touched."  
"Enjoy." Hollister saluted casually, nodded to Lister and waddled out.

When they were sure the captain was gone, Lister sank into Todhunter's arms and rested his head on his shoulder. "Wow. That was some tea break."  
"Are you alright?"  
"Yes, I'm fine. I just can't believe he'd stoop this low."  
"Oh, I'm sure you can."  
"Yes, you're right. I can."  
"Don't worry. I'm not going to let him get away with bullying you like this. I'll see to it that your room gets sorted out"  
"What about you? You know he meant it about that complaint."  
"The captain knows what he's like. He's not going to take it seriously. Even if he did, Rimmer doesn't have a leg to stand on. He can't prove anything."  
"He'll try."  
"Let him." Todhunter kissed the top of Lister's head.

Lister looked up, smiling again, "So, what's this about a birthday? You kept that very quiet."  
"Oh, well, there's no point making much fuss about it out here. I'm sure my family will send cards in the next post pod."  
"You should have told me," Lister scolded gently, "You can file me under O for offended."  
"I didn't want you to feel obligated. We haven't been together long. Besides, it seems wrong for you to be spending money on me when I make so much more than you."  
"Rub it in, why don't you?"  
"Sorry. But I mean it, I don't want a present. It'll make me feel bad."  
"Okay. If you insist. I'll just have to find another way to help you celebrate." Lister tugged gently on Todhunter's tie with a scheming smile.


	11. Chapter 11

The following day, Todhunter was surprised to find the outer office empty when he arrived. Normally Lister was always there to greet him in the morning. There was evidence of his presence though; a card in an envelope and a bottle of Bucks Fizz sitting on the desk. Todhunter picked up the card with a smile and opened it. It was a fairly standard birthday card, Lister had avoided any suggestion of intimacy in the design or the message within. It read simply "To Frank. Have a great birthday. Dave."

Todhunter allowed himself a moment of disappointment that Lister hadn't put anything more romantic, but he knew the reason why. He was sure that in person Dave would share some much warmer sentiments. Wherever he was.

He picked up the bottle of booze and headed into his own office. There was a shiny balloon tied to his desk chair, which distracted him enough that for a moment he didn't see Lister waiting expectantly in the guest chair. He did a double take. Lister was wearing glasses; sensible black ones. His dreadlocks were pinned up in a tidy bun. A white shirt was buttoned neatly to the collar and covered with a pinstriped waistcoat. His black leather tie was knotted primly at his throat. Pressed black trousers and shiny black shoes completed the look. He was holding a pencil and notebook. "Good morning, Sir," he said politely.  
"Morning," Todhunter replied blankly. _Sir?_  
"Your coffee is on your desk. Can I get you anything else?"  
"Um, no. Er....no tea this morning?"  
"You have a very busy day today. I thought coffee might help give you the energy you're going to need."  
"Oh. Okay."  
"Take a seat," Lister pointed to the chair with his freshly-sharpened pencil, "and we'll run through your schedule for today."  
  
Still baffled, Todhunter sat down. He'd never seen Lister in glasses before. It was distractingly cute. And why so formal? Why not even a whisper of happy birthday, despite the card and gift, and the balloon floating above his head? Had Rimmer's outburst yesterday spooked Dave into trying to be ultra-professional with him at work to protect their secret? The answer to all of these questions became blindingly clear as Lister rose from his chair, leaned across the desk, and slid his notebook towards him. "If you'll just take a look to ensure I haven't forgotten anything. It is going to be an _exceptionally_ busy day."  
Todhunter didn't recall much being in his calendar for today. He hoped he hadn't forgotten anything important. He looked down at Lister's notepad.

Sure enough, there was a schedule planned out for the day. But there wasn't much written into it. Instead, by each corresponding time, there were sketches. Extremely graphic, surprisingly well executed sketches. Todhunter took a deep breath, his cock immediately rising to attention. "I didn't know you could draw," he managed to croak.  
"You don't utilise my talents enough, Sir."  
"Clearly."  
"I'm sure we can squeeze in some more activities if there's anything else you desperately want to get done," Lister replied, still totally poker-faced, "But we should probably get started right away." He went out and locked the main office door, activating the 'Do Not Disturb' message, then came back in and locked the door of the inner office too, just to be safe. Todhunter watched him, getting more excited by the second, but still not 100% convinced this wasn't just a joke.

"Now," Lister came back and stood in front of the desk, "it's a little after nine, but if we put our minds to it, I think we can still achieve rather a lot by lunchtime."  
Todhunter swallowed hard, his erection fighting to burst out of his slacks. "You're serious, aren't you?" Lister, biting sensually on the end of his pencil, nodded. He began to pop open the buttons of his waistcoat one by one, then loosened his tie and unfastened his collar buttons. Finally convinced this wasn't a dream, Todhunter interrupted him firmly, "Dave. Wait."

Lister paused, looking at him uncertainly. Todhunter stood up, pushing his chair back. " I think you've forgotten something," he said gravely. He picked up the remote off the desk, and switched the vid screen to privacy mode. "That could have been very embarrassing," he reprimanded him.  
Lister bit his lip, "I'm sorry, Sir."  
"You'll have to be disciplined for that, I'm afraid."  
"Of course, Sir."  
"Now, get those clothes off and come here and bend over my desk."  
"Yes, Sir."  
"And David?"  
"Yes, sir?"  
"Keep the glasses and the tie on."

Sometime later, when they were lying across the desk together panting, and the in-tray and its contents were scattered across the floor, Todhunter patted Lister's stomach. "Good work. _Excellent_ work, David."  
"Thank you, Sir."  
"What time is our next engagement scheduled for?"  
"Eleven am. You've got time for a quick breather."  
"Do we have sufficient resources to work at this speed all day?"  
"I've planned ahead. If you check your desk drawer you will find extra supplies of condoms, lubricants and some other items that may be of assistance today."  
"Outstanding," Todhunter gave him a tender, breathless kiss, "What did I ever do without you?"  
Lister smiled and sat up. His dreads were coming loose from the bun now and he looked gorgeously dishevelled. He straightened his glasses. "If it's alright with you, I'm going to check the emails in case there's anything important. We don't want anyone knocking on the door chasing up unanswered messages, do we?"  
"Absolutely not."  
"I'll deal with anything urgent and then, with luck, I'll be on time to suck your cock in about an hour."  
"I hope so. I'd hate to have to discipline you twice in one morning."  
"No, you wouldn't," Lister grinned.  
"What happened to your 'no goings on in the office' rule?" Todhunter called after him as he sauntered out.  
"Well," Lister glanced back over his shoulder with a coy smile, "it _is_ your birthday."

It was, as Lister had warned, an _exceptionally_ busy day. It was also the best birthday Todhunter had had for years.

The following week, Todhunter was summoned to the captain's office. "Sit down, Frank. Hopefully this won't take long." Hollister was squeezed behind his desk, a report open in front of him. "As you are aware, I have received a complaint from second technician Rimmer regarding your conduct."  
"Yes, sir," Todhunter had been waiting for this discussion and was not looking forward to it. Lying did not come easily to him and despite his words of reassurance to Lister, he was nervous. After all, for once, Rimmer was not entirely in the wrong.

"I'm sorry to have to waste time with this but, as you know, a formal complaint does unfortunately require a formal response. No matter how foolish."  
"I know, Sir. Please go ahead."  
"I think it's best if we address and respond to each of the points individually. First of all, Rimmer alleges that you unfairly employed Lister as your PA for personal reasons, claiming that Lister has neither the qualifications nor the necessary skills for such a role. How do you respond to this allegation?"  
"Well, I'd begin by saying that the skill level for the role is a very basic one. It's an entry-level admin post and I'd be disappointed if there was a single member of this crew who was not competent enough to manage it. I'm sure you've seen for yourself that Lister is doing a perfectly satisfactory job. With regards to any suggestion of unfairness in my decision to appoint Lister over anyone else, there was only one other applicant for the post, and they only wanted to do the odd hour here and there as overtime. Lister wanted the post full-time, which was what I needed."  
"Thank you. Moving onto the next point, Rimmer alleges that you have protected Lister from disciplinary action on two separate occasions. Would you like to comment on this?"  
"If I recall correctly, Sir, the first instance that Rimmer is referring to was an accusation of dereliction of duty. The basis of his complaint was that Lister was humming while he worked. I didn't think this was sufficient evidence to suggest he was neglecting his work and so dismissed the complaint."  
"I see," Hollister looked vaguely like this discussion was causing him to lose the will to live, "And the second occasion?"

Todhunter squirmed slightly in his seat, "Well, technically speaking, Rimmer may have a flimsy case to make on this occasion. Lister _was_ in breach of regulations by effectively switching rooms without permission. I decided to use my discretion and not pursue the matter, as I believed - and still do actually - that it's the best solution for everyone. Forcing them to remain in quarters together for the sake of some paperwork is only going to cause more problems. And ultimately, more paperwork," he added, eyeing the report in front of Hollister pointedly. "As far as I'm concerned, the sooner we get them away from each other the better."  
"Do you think it will be enough?" Hollister asked him seriously.  
"I hope so. Unless Rimmer makes a point of tracking Lister down in his spare time to find things to complain about. Which I'm not sure I'd put past him at this stage."

"I really don't get where he's coming from, Frank," Hollister scratched his head, "After all the bitching and scrapping, you'd think he'd be helping Lister pack, not forbidding him from moving out."  
"If I may speak my mind, Sir, I personally believe it's an issue of control. Before I gave Lister the job as my assistant, Rimmer could boss him around 24/7, on and off-duty. He forced Lister to work alongside him rather than choose another member of Z-shift, despite all the complaints he made, because he liked the fact he had an underling he could bully around the clock. I suspect he also liked the fact that Lister was the lowest rank on the ship, so he could feel superior to him. Now all of that is slipping away. First Lister got another job, now he's found another place to live. Rimmer is throwing a spanner in the works because it's the last little bit of power he has, and he's clinging onto it for dear life."  
Hollister nodded glumly, "Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Of course, you know this is only a temporary solution. Rosenberg will be back in six months."  
"I know, but we can cross that bridge when we come to it. A lot can happen in six months."  
"True. Very well, then. I'll compose a formal response to Rimmer and let HR know that Lister has been granted permission to switch rooms. Let's draw a line under this thing."  
"Very good, sir."

Hollister leaned forward, his hands clasped in front of him. "There is one more thing I have to ask you before we formally close this meeting," he said, his tone becoming more serious. "I'm happy with the responses you've given me, and I think you've acted reasonably and appropriately in all these circumstances. That's not the issue. But I have heard rumours going around in the Officers Club and, I have to tell you, Rimmer is not the only person who thinks that there may be...shall we say, a conflict of interest at work?"  
Todhunter felt a blush as incriminating as a blood stain covering his face. The captain did not fail to notice. "I've gotta ask you, Frank. Is there anything untoward about your relationship with Lister?"

This kind of direct question was exactly what Todhunter had feared. He considered himself a man of his word, a man of good character, and to lie outright did not sit well with him; especially to the captain on a formal matter like this. For a moment, he considered coming clean. _Yes, Lister and I are seeing each other. I know it's not strictly above board, but we're not doing any harm, and I'm absolutely crazy about him. He's the main reason I get out of bed in the mornings, so please don't take this away from me._ Hollister was not an unreasonable man. Maybe they could come to some kind of understanding, maybe he and Dave could stop hiding, stop worrying. But he couldn't be certain. And he was not willing to risk it.

"I...don't think it's a secret, Sir, that I have feelings for Lister," he said very carefully. It wasn't a lie, after all.  
"Does he reciprocate those feelings?" Hollister asked him seriously.  
"I don't know," Again, it was not strictly speaking a lie. He didn't know if Dave felt as strongly as he did, "I haven't asked."  
"And do you think this situation is affecting your work?"  
Todhunter dodged the question, "You are my superior officer, Sir. I suppose that's for you to say. Do you have any concerns about my performance since Lister and I started working together?"  
Hollister sat back and considered this. "No," he said eventually, "If anything, I'd say your performance has improved. You've been more organised and, now I come to think about it, more motivated."  
"I can't overstate what a help Lister has been to me, Sir. He gets on with his work without needing much supervision and lets me focus on the important stuff. The fact that I happen to enjoy his company is just a bonus."

The captain weighed this up. After a long pause, he said, "Okay," and Todhunter tried not to sigh out loud with relief. "We can write a rule book an inch thick, but at the end of the day we can't control human nature," Hollister drummed his fingers on the desk. "Just do me a favour, Frank, and try to keep a lid on it. Don't do anything stupid. I will monitor the situation and if I feel that things are slipping or that you - either of you - are overstepping any boundaries, then we'll need to have another chat. Is that clear?"

Todhunter thought about his birthday and fleetingly considered the memory of Lister, naked except for his tie, bouncing enthusiastically on his lap in his office chair as he pounded into him from behind, one hand wrapped around his throat, the other wrapped around his cock, and both of them delirious with pleasure. He suspected that was the kind of thing Hollister would consider as overstepping boundaries. "Yes, Sir," he said. "Absolutely."


	12. Chapter 12

Lister looked up anxiously when Todhunter returned to the office. "How did it go?"  
"It was fine," he reassured him gently, "He's dismissed the complaint and authorised your request to switch quarters. You can officially move your stuff out tonight."  
Lister threw his head back in ecstasy and spread his arms wide, "Yeeeees! At last! The nightmare is over!"  
"For six months at least," Todhunter sat down beside him.  
"It's a start," Lister reached over and squeezed his hand, "Thank you for helping me."  
"You're welcome. I hate to see you miserable, but I would have done the same for anyone. No-one should be forced to live in a situation that makes them that unhappy."  
"And of course it makes our lives a little bit easier," Lister smiled smugly, "Petersen doesn't give a smeg what I get up to."  
"All the same, we need to be a bit careful. The captain had a word with me. Rimmer's tantrums aside, people are talking."  
"Saying what?"  
"I don't know exactly. With any luck it's just the same old gossip that's been circulating for months, but he said he's going to be keeping an eye on us."

Lister huffed resentfully, "I suppose we have been getting a bit careless lately. I've been staying over with you a lot. We should probably go back to weekend sleepovers only for a while. At least being in my own room at night will be a little less painful now."  
"You're probably right," Todhunter agreed, but without enthusiasm.   
"Come on, it won't be so bad," Lister stroked his fingers reassuringly.  
"I know, but I don't want you to have to leave every night." Lister slid closer for a cuddle and Todhunter obliged. "I like it when you stay over," he murmured into his ear, "And I can snuggle you under the covers like a big warm teddy bear with a gorgeous arse."  
"Wouldn't have this problem back on Earth," Lister grumbled.

Todhunter registered the feeling in Lister's voice with surprise, "Do you really miss it?"  
"I do. But right now, what I miss most is the freedom. If we wanted to go out and keep it secret, we could just jump in a hopper and head to another town for the night. Find a swanky hotel, check in under fake names, and enjoy ourselves. But there's nowhere to escape to on this ship, man. There's eyes everywhere."  
"Maybe we could arrange some shore leave. Get off Red Dwarf for a week or two and have a holiday. I'm sure we could argue that it makes sense for us to take leave at the same time - there's really not an awful lot for you to do when I'm not here, after all."  
Lister shook his head, "It's too risky right now. If Hollister's already suspicious, then us putting in matching requests for shore leave won't help. It's a nice idea though..." he lay his head against Todhunter's shoulder, "Maybe find a cute little terraformed beach somewhere and pretend we're back home. I could go for that."  
"Some day," Todhunter kissed his head, "Some day."

Lister had hoped that Rimmer wouldn't be in when he went back to collect the last of his stuff, but he had no such luck. He'd had everything packed for days, to facilitate a quick getaway as soon as he received the green light, but when he wheeled in his luggage trolley that evening, Rimmer was ready and waiting. "What are you doing with that?"  
"Moving out," Lister thrust the authorisation slip into his face, " _Officially_."  
Rimmer glared at the paperwork, "My, my, that was fast. Almost as if someone was pulling strings on your behalf. I wonder who it could be."  
"Give it a rest. Like I said before, I put in that request ages ago. They were just waiting for a suitable room to come up, and now it has."  
"Yes, a room that just so happens to be occupied by your muckiest of old muckers. Now, isn't that a coincidence?"  
"What are you suggesting?" Lister threw his hands up in disbelief, "That we somehow masterminded Rosenberg's nervous breakdown?"  
"Well, it's a mighty big coincidence."  
"Sometimes the universe smiles on you. Although," Lister checked himself, "not on Rosenberg perhaps. And let's face it, after all this time being stuck rooming with you, I was due for a bit of luck."  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Exactly what it sounded like."  
"I think I've been incredibly lenient given your numerous failings, Lister."  
"Lenient?" Lister squawked, "You've been nothing but horrible to me since the day I arrived!"  
"Horrible? Nonsense. Certainly, I've done my best to try and instill a bit of discipline, a bit of respect, but it's all been for your own good."  
"Yeah, right. You only ever had my best interests at heart. You're a real saint."  
"Do you think it's been fun for me having to share quarters with someone of your rank and status? Someone of your low breeding? I've worked hard on you, polished you up, helped you up the career ladder and this is how you repay me? By sodding off and leaving me on my own? I suppose I should have seen this coming. As soon as you got that job, I could see the ambition creeping in. I could see you starting to get ideas above your station."

Lister stared at him, open-mouthed. "There is so much wrong with what you just said, I don't even know where to begin."  
"Then don't. Don't say anything. Just take your stuff and go. In six months time when you have to come crawling back, I won't be nearly so warm and fuzzy. _If_ you last six months. This living with Petersen nonsense will all end in tears."   
"Rimmer, if I stay here it's going to end in more than tears. We're going to wind up killing each other. Why in the name of all of Saturn's rings, if I'm so hideous to live with, do you object so much to me moving out? Why have you made this so difficult?"  
"It doesn't matter now, does it? You've got your fancy permission slip, so smeg off and take your grotty possessions with you."

He stood to one side, arms folded, tapping one impatient foot as Lister loaded his trolley. "Right," Lister straightened up and gave him a sarcastic salute, "I am outta here. See ya, smeghead."  
"Don't worry, Lister. We'll be seeing each other again. I'll be there to gloat over your inevitable downfall when it comes."  
"Yeah. I'll miss you too."

The following Friday night, Todhunter stood in his small kitchenette cooking dinner while he waited for Lister to arrive. He checked the recipe Lister had left for him again anxiously. That seemed like an awful lot of chillis for two people. Well, what did he know, he was hardly an expert, and he wanted this evening to be perfect. He'd missed having his lover with him over the past few nights and was looking forward to being properly reunited. Aside from that, his conversation with Hollister had made him realise just how important this affair was to him - how important _Lister_ was to him - and how far he was willing to go to hold onto both. Until he'd been faced with a genuine threat to their relationship, he hadn't truly known how much this meant to him, but he couldn't deny it any longer. He was in love.

He knew it was too soon to make any such declaration to Lister. He didn't want to scare him off, and the fact he'd been comparatively relaxed about them having to cool things down for a while suggested to Frank that Lister was not quite as invested in this as he was. But nonetheless, he held the knowledge inside himself like a tiny warm flame, that he loved his sweet, sunny, scouse secretary; and all fears aside, he had never been happier in his life.

When Lister arrived, they turned the lights low and made love on the bed while the curry simmered gently in the pot. Afterwards they lay in each other's arms, luxuriating in their intimacy and the enticing spicy aroma coming from the kitchen. "I've got a surprise for you," Todhunter murmured, disentangling himself reluctantly from Lister's limbs.  
"What is it?"  
"Just lie back and close your eyes."

Intrigued, Lister did as instructed. After a few moments, he heard a bizarre noise. An ethereal echoing groan, accompanied by a strange bubbling sound. Lister opened one eye. "What is that?"  
"Er...whale song. It's a 'Sounds of Nature' album. I thought about what you were saying the other day about missing Earth and thought it might be nice. Maybe make you feel a bit less homesick."  
"That's sweet. Not many whales in Liverpool though."  
"No. Well, just a second, how about this?"

There was silence for a beat or two, and then the soft steady patter of gentle rainfall filled the room. Lister felt goosebumps rise on his skin. He hadn't heard this sound for so long. He closed his eyes and let the sensory memory wash over him, imagining it was real, that the rain he could hear was falling here and now on the windows. In the distance, there was a quiet rumble of thunder. He felt Frank slip back into bed beside him and take him in his arms. "I thought maybe on the nights you're here we can play this. Pretend we're back on the old blue planet. Maybe even on Fiji. What do you think?" Lister put his arms up around his neck and held him.  
"Thank you," he whispered simply.

  
"Did you follow the recipe?" Lister teased, as they sat together at the table sometime later. The sound of ocean waves played quietly in the background.  
"To the letter," Todhunter assured him, spooning a ladleful of curry over the rice on his plate.  
"It certainly smells good," Lister sniffed happily at his own portion.  
"I'm rather happy with the result, if I do say so myself."  
"Ah, now, don't get too cocky. We haven't tasted it yet."  
"If it meets your exacting standards then I shall be a happy man."

Lister took a mouthful and closed his eyes to savour it. Rich, spicy, flavoursome and hot. Perfect. "Mmm-mmm," he voiced his approval, "That is fantastic. It's beautiful, in fact. Well done, babe." There was no reply. He opened his eyes. Todhunter was sitting, fork still in hand, with a very strange expression on his face. Lister suddenly remembered the last time he'd made this recipe for Petersen. It had not ended well, but then Denmark wasn't exactly renowned for its curry, was it? Perhaps he should have cut back on the chillis. "Frank?" He probed, "Y'okay?"  
"Oh my god," he replied faintly.  
"Here," Lister pushed a cold beer towards him and watched nervously as he took a swig and then let out a sigh, "Ahhh."   
"Okay?" Lister asked again.  
"That is delicious." Todhunter dug his fork in and took another mouthful. "You're a genius, darling."  
Lister relaxed and grinned, "I've always thought so."


	13. Chapter 13

  
Lister settled into his new room with an overwhelming sense of relief. Petersen wasn't exactly the ideal roommate, but nor was he. Neither of them were well domesticated, but they were both fairly relaxed; and despite the strange smells, overflowing laundry and general man-clutter, their relationship remained amiable. Petersen didn't pry when Lister disappeared for a few days over the weekends, and Lister returned the courtesy. Generally, if Petersen didn't come home it was because he was sleeping off a binge somewhere. On the nights when he couldn't stay with Todhunter without arousing suspicion, they would head to the bars, watch TV and play poker. All in all, things were pretty good.

One night after work, as they sat in one of their regular haunts for a mid-week pick-me-up, something alarming happened.

Lister was supping on his pint, minding his own business, when a familiar voice piped up behind him, making his heart sink. "Listy! What's all this?"  
He turned to see Rimmer standing behind him, holding his familiar black notebook. "Rimmer," he smiled thinly, "I've not seen you in here before."  
"Drinking," Rimmer said sternly, wagging his pen at him, "On a work night. That's going in the book, miladdo."  
"What?"  
"Consuming alcohol with a total disregard for how it will effect your perf...puffa...work tomorrow. Going on report." Rimmer squinted his eyes and scrawled something in his book.

Lister stared at him in shock. "Rimmer," he exclaimed, "Are you _drunk_?"  
"Pffft. Drunk. I am not drunk. I do not get _drunk_. Drunk is for you and your grubby ilk, Listy. I am a gentleman."  
"Well, you've been _drinking_ ," Lister countered, and this in itself was strange enough to concern him. Usually the extent of Rimmer's alcohol intake was a spritzer on a Friday night. For him to be drinking at all, let alone drunk, on a work night was wildly out of character.  
"Nonsense. _You're_ the one drinking. I can see you with my own two eyes. Let's see you try to worm your way out of this one, Lister."  
"Out of what? What are you talking about? I'm just having a pint."  
"Has he finally lost the plot?" Petersen asked curiously, watching the scene unfold with interest.  
"Quite possibly," Lister noted.

"I'm watching you, Lister," Rimmer went on, waving his notebook warningly, "Sooner or later you're going to mess up and he'll _have_ to do something about it, and I'm going to be there when you do. He can't protect you forever. You can't hide behind your pet officer forever!"  
"Okay," Lister interrupted firmly, "I think you need to go home and sober up."  
"You're using him, you know. He's going to see through it eventually. He's going to realise you're just a tease, that you're never actually going to let him have his way, and then what will happen to you? You'll be out on your ear, sonny, that's what. And once that happens, you're back on Z-shift with me. Where you belong."  
"Hmmm. It's getting a bit weird now," Petersen remarked.  
"Rimmer, just go," Lister snapped, "You're embarrassing yourself."  
" _You're_ embarrassing yourself! Using your wiles and charms to get ahead! It's undignified, is what it is. It's immoral!"  
"What's going on over here?" Officer Beckett walked over with one of her colleagues, Mark Jessop.  
"Nothing," Lister said desperately, "He's just a bit sozzled. I'll take him home."

He stood up and Rimmer, unexpectedly, shoved him hard. Lister toppled back into his seat, flabbergasted. He'd never seen Rimmer act this way before. Beckett and her friend darted forward and grabbed Rimmer's arms, "Woah, woah, woah! That's enough!"  
"Alright!" Petersen got to his feet gleefully, "Rumble!"  
"I don't think so, Petersen. Sit down."  
"Awww."  
"You're a disgrace to the space corps!" Rimmer shrieked at Lister, who was still sitting in stunned silence, "You're a scheming manipulative little smegger, and you're not going to get away with it!"  
"You need to simmer down," Beckett ordered sharply. Rimmer ignored her.  
"I know what you are," he continued ferociously, "You're a siren! A monster! YOU'RE NOT HUMAN!"  
"Rimmer, out! Now!" Beckett turned to her companion, "Come on. We'll stick him in the brig to cool off."  
"Don't," Lister said shakily, "He's not himself. Please, just take him back to his quarters."  
"If you're sure. Come on, sunshine. Home we go." She and Jessop started to frogmarch him out.  
"I'm watching you, Lister!" Rimmer shouted again as they hauled him away, "You can't escape me! YOU'RE MINE!!!"  
"Yep," Petersen confirmed with a nod, picking up his pint again, "It's definitely weird now."  
Lister watched, stricken, as Rimmer disappeared out of the door with his escort. "You know what? I'm gonna go." He left his drink and stood up.  
"Come on, guy. Don't let him get to you. Finish your pint."  
"It's okay. I don't want it." Whatever night of the week it was, whatever agreement they had, right now he wanted Frank.

  
"Right," Beckett and Jessop dumped Rimmer onto his bed, "if you know what's good for you, you'll stay there until you've sobered up."  
"Why am I the one being treated like a misky...miscry...criminal? Why don't you shove off and arrest Lister for misconduct?"  
"Because you're the one starting fights in bars. You've only just come off punishment duty, do you really want to be put back on this quickly?"  
"I shouldn't have been put on PD in the first place. The whole thing was hugely unfair."  
"It seemed pretty straightforward to me. I saw the report. If you backchat the First Officer, you've got to expect repercussions."  
"Since when is making a perfectly honest and factual statement considered backchat? I didn't say anything that wasn't true."  
"Well, you may believe that, but it still doesn't change the fact that your conduct was inappropriate. You can't speak that way to a senior officer."  
"Unless you're David Lister, of course. Then you can do whatever you smegging well please, and Todhunter will smooth everything over for you."  
"I don't want to hear it, Rimmer."

"Why won't anyone listen to me?" Rimmer slapped a hand down on his pillow indignantly, "It's common knowledge that he's carrying a torch for Lister so big it could defrost Pluto! Why am I the only person bothered by this?"  
"I don't know," Beckett countered, "Why _are_ you so bothered by it?"  
This actually seemed to give Rimmer pause for a second. "Well," he said feebly, "they're in that office together every day being all chummy!"  
"So?"  
"It's going to lead somewhere, isn't it? A smile here, a touch there. Next thing you know, they're going at it across the desk."  
"Rimmer, I hardly think..."  
"It's Lister, don't you see? He's toxic. He smiles that pretty smile and everyone falls over themselves. Everyone except me. I'm the only one who can resist him. That's why he needs to be back with me, so I can keep him under control."  
"Riiiight..." Beckett shared a look with Jessop.  
"There's no telling what sort of power he'll develop if he's not kept in check," Rimmer insisted, "It's no good letting him loose under someone who's going to be all nicey-nice and simper over him. He needs a firm hand. Have you ever seen _me_ be nice to Lister?"  
"No," his audience replied in dry unison.  
"Exactly. That's because I'm strong. I don't make any concessions for pretty smiles, or buttocks like firm ripe peaches. You start going down that road and you're lost. I treat Lister with strict stony disdain and that's why his sexy charms have no power over me. That's why I'm the only one who can maintain a strictly professional relationship with him, and it's why he needs to work with me and only me."

Beckett stared at him, lost for words. "You _really_ need to sober up," she said eventually. "Go to sleep."  
Rimmer lay back on the bed, still grumbling, "You know it's true. Everyone knows it's true. They shouldn't be working together."  
Beckett lost her patience, "It's not against regulations to have a crush on someone. _That's_ why no-one else is bothered, Rimmer. As long as they're not actually doing anything wrong, it's nobody else's business. That includes you."  
"But...!"  
"No buts! I've seen Lister and Todhunter working together, and they have a perfectly legitimate, healthy, professional relationship. Lister is not spending his days sprawled provocatively across the desk asking for favours, as you seem to imagine, and Todhunter is not following him around like a dog with his tongue out, constantly asking him to bend over to pick up dropped files and pencils. Can you get your head around that? They are, unbelievably, just getting on with their work. As should you. If I hear that you're causing any more trouble about this, I'll be speaking to the captain. For now, you should be grateful to Lister that I'm not writing you up for D&D."  
Rimmer grunted, eyes closed, and Beckett wasn't sure if it was defeat or defiance, or if he'd just finally passed out. She decided she didn't care. At least he'd settled down.

"Come on, Mark. Let's get another drink. I think I need one after that."  
Jessop looked uneasily at Rimmer's slumped form. "Y'know," he whispered, "Much as I hate to say it, it is just possible he may have a point. I did see Lister coming out of Frank's room not that long ago."  
Beckett shook her head dismissively, "It's nothing. Lister comes up every now and then to give him guitar lessons."  
"Really?"  
"Well, I think Frank uses it as an excuse to spend time with him outside of work, if I'm totally honest. Although I haven't seen Lister round there as much lately. I assume Frank's improved enough that he doesn't need as many lessons." The two of them wandered to the door. "It's quite sweet really. I asked him how it was coming along the other day and he was so happy; he was praising Lister to the heavens, telling me how talented he is, what a good teacher he is."  
"Is that so?"  
"Yes, according to Frank, Lister's quite the whizz on the guitar, you know."

They didn't see as they left the room, but back on the bed, Rimmer's eyes were wide open.

 


	14. Chapter 14

A few days later, Lister was sitting at his desk watching the clock tick towards five. Not because he was especially looking forward to the evening ahead - it was a weeknight, so an evening spent with or without Petersen was all he had to look forward to - but his concentration was faltering. Frank wandered through to the water cooler and saw his dismal expression. "What's the matter?"  
"Nothing. I've just had enough today, that's all."  
"Are you going to head out with Petersen later?"  
"No, I don't think so."  
"Tired?"  
"A bit. But I don't know what Olaf is doing tonight. I think I'll stay in either way."

Todhunter straightened up, viewing him with concern, "That nonsense with Rimmer hasn't got you spooked, has it?"  
"No," Lister lied unconvincingly, "I just don't feel like going out."  
"I don't think he'll bother you, you know. Apparently he hasn't been at work since Beckett put him to bed that night. Either he's got a doozy of a hangover, or he's deeply embarrassed. Personally, I hope it's a bit of both."  
"Or he's up to something."  
"Like what?"  
"I don't know, but I don't like it. I know he's an arsehole, but I'm actually starting to worry about him a bit."  
Todhunter took his hand and tugged him up out of his seat for a cuddle. "You know better than anyone that he has these outbursts now and then. Don't fret over it."   
"You didn't see his face when he was yelling at me. This wasn't like one of his normal tantrums. And the drinking is so unlike him. I think he might be having a breakdown."  
"Even if he is, it's not your problem." Todhunter rubbed Lister's back soothingly. "I feel like going down there and putting him back on PD for making you worry."  
"Yeah, that'll really help."  
"As far as I'm concerned, anything that takes your lovely smile away is a crime."

This had the desired effect. Lister's smile bounced back. "Soppy git."  
"Sexy git. Come here, let's see if we can get that smile back to full strength." He sat Lister on the edge of the desk and kissed him. "Frank," Lister swatted him half-heartedly, "Not in the office!"  
"It's two minutes after five. At least if we get caught it's on our own time." He hoisted Lister's thighs around his waist, sprawling him back across the desk. Lister giggled and reached up, catching hold of Todhunter's tie and tugging him gently down towards him. "I'm sure this constitutes sexual harassment."  
"You go ahead and file charges if you see fit."   
"Ah, I can't be bothered. I already file everything else round here."  
"You want me to do some filing? Okay, I'm going to put you in the filing cupboard under 'S' for smoking hot, sexy secretary. How about that?"

"Gentlemen," a stern voice said. They turned to see Captain Hollister standing in the doorway, stony-faced. Todhunter's heart plummeted to the ground. Lister, to his credit, thought fast. "Ah, Captain. We're just kicking off our daily workplace yoga session. Good for mind and body. Reduces stress. Care to join us?"  
Hollister smiled tightly, "Nice try, Lister." He fixed the pair of them with a sharp look. "My office. Ten minutes. Both of you."  
"Can you at least make it fifteen minutes?" Lister grumbled rebelliously, "We're kind of in the middle of something here."  
"My office, _five_ minutes," Hollister snapped, "And consider yourselves lucky I walked in while your pants were still on, or you'd be in worse trouble than you already are." He stomped out.  
"Sounds like someone could use a bit of workplace yoga," Lister muttered.

Todhunter gently let go of him and he sat up awkwardly. He was pained when he saw the dismay evident in his lover's face. He sighed heavily. "Frank, I'm so sorry."  
"No," Todhunter said firmly, drawing himself up. "Don't be, it was my fault. Besides, we both always knew the risk we were taking."  
"But you've got further to fall than I have."  
"I don't care."  
"Frank..."  
"I mean it. I don't care. I'd do it all again. No regrets."  
Lister managed a nervous smile. Reluctantly, he slid off the desk. "Guess we'd better go face the music."  
"Don't worry," Todhunter took his hand. "It's going to be okay. Trust me."

Hollister eyed them darkly as they stood solemnly side-by-side in front of his desk. "Sit down." They did. He looked back and forth between them. "Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?"  
"Sir, we were just playing about," Lister said, adopting his most innocent expression.  
"Are you going to say 'it's not what it looks like' next?" Hollister asked sarcastically, "Because if so, you can save your breath. You can't brazen this out. I know you two have been seeing each other and I know it's been going on for some time."  
Accepting that the game was well and truly up, Lister dropped the act, " _How_ do you know?"  
"I received a complaint a few days ago, alleging that the two of you were having an illicit relationship." Hollister tapped an open report in front of him.  
"From who?" Lister asked indignantly.  
"It was submitted anonymously by someone who felt that your actions were..." he looked down at the open page "...'A disgrace to the space corps'".   
Lister's eyes narrowed angrily. "Ooh, I wonder who that could be."

" _Whoever_ it is," Hollister replied grudgingly, suggesting that he too knew full well who the culprit was, "doesn't change the fact the allegation is true. The report suggested that we take a look at the security camera footage outside Frank's quarters if we doubted the truth of the accusation. Sure enough, Holly recorded more than twenty incidents of Lister entering and leaving your quarters at irregular hours. Plus more than a few occasions when he apparently didn't leave at all until the next day." Hollister paused, giving them an opportunity to explain or deny this. They both remained silent. He sat back and folded his arms, "So, we dug a little deeper and found numerous other 'incidents' caught on camera, mostly in your office or the lifts. Oh, and one particularly curious episode where we were unable to obtain _any_ footage from your office for the entire day. Can you guess what day that was by any chance?"  
"Leap year?" Lister suggested acerbically.  
"It was Frank's birthday. Big coincidence, huh?" He fixed them both with a steely stare. If Todhunter's blush hadn't already given them away, then the split second crack in Lister's cocky composure as his eyes darted away in guilty embarrassment would have clinched it. "I don't know what kind of birthday party you two had in there," Hollister said, "And I don't _wanna_ know; but I'm guessing it broke damn near every regulation in the book."

"Sir," Todhunter finally spoke up, "I take full responsibility for any wrongdoing. Lister should not suffer for my failure to my duty."  
"What? No!" Lister piped up, "It was my fault! I started it, I seduced him. He tried to do the right thing, he really did, but I wouldn't back off. If anyone should be punished it's me."  
"Well, that's all very touching, but unfortunately it doesn't matter who started it. As your superior officer and senior in rank, First Officer Todhunter was under obligation not to fraternise with a member of his staff. He has to bear the brunt of the responsibility."   
"I understand, Sir," Todhunter nodded.  
"I have to say I'm surprised at you, Frank. You've been an exemplary officer in all other respects. You know this will have to go on your permanent record."  
"I'm aware, Sir."  
"This isn't fair!" Lister insisted, "He hasn't done anything wrong! _We_ haven't done anything wrong. We can be together without it affecting our work."  
"Maybe so, but it leaves too much potential for abuse of the system and exploitation. Besides, it's hard to claim that it's not affecting your work at all, if you feel the need to have the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on all day."  
"That was ONE time!"  
"Dave," Todhunter shushed him gently, "It's fine. I always knew what the consequences would be if we ended up here. I'm prepared to accept them."

Hollister softened, just a little. "Listen, I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to insist that you two stop whatever it is you've got going on. You're grown men and I know that short of locking you both in your quarters, I can't do a damn thing to stop you seeing each other if that's what you want. And I'm guessing that _is_ what you want. I'm getting the feeling this isn't just a dumb fling. But things cannot be allowed to continue as they are."  
"So what happens now?" Lister asked. His voice was chilly but his eyes betrayed his nervousness.  
"A formal caution for both of you. And I think it would be appropriate if we arranged matters so that Lister was no longer under your supervision, Frank. Effective immediately."  
"I'm not going back to Z-shift," Lister said, stiffening in his seat, "I'd rather jump ship and take my chances in the void than go back to working with Rimmer."  
"Sir, please. It's not fair to punish Lister for my indiscretion."  
"I imagine there's been a fair amount of indiscretion on both sides here," Hollister remarked wryly. He looked at their faces and sighed. "Okay, okay. Calm down. You don't have to go back on Z-shift. I don't think that's going to be a productive solution. You can join the typing pool, they always need more staff. You can report to Perez tomorrow morning. Frank, we'll replace your secretary vacancy at Titan."  
"That won't be necessary, Sir," Todhunter said calmly, "I'm handing in my resignation."

" _What_?" Lister stared at him.  
"I intend to leave the ship at Titan and take a shuttle back to Earth from there."  
"Why?" Lister said desperately, "Because of this mess? You're a brilliant officer, don't throw your whole career away because I screwed things up for you."  
"You didn't screw anything up. In fact, it was you who made things clear to me."  
"Let's not be hasty, Frank. There's no need to fall on your sword here. Even with this little blip on your record, you've still got a bright future ahead of you. Once this mission is complete, you'd be a fine candidate for your own command."  
"Thank you for saying so, Sir. That's very flattering, but I've been thinking about this for a while and I've decided that, much as I've enjoyed my time in the space corps, it's not really for me."  
"But what will you do?" Lister asked anxiously. Todhunter reached over and took his hand.  
"I was rather hoping," he said softly, "to move to Fiji and get married."

There was a stunned silence.

"Well," Hollister raised an eyebrow, "I certainly didn't see _that_ coming."  
"Me neither," Lister croaked.  
"What do you say, Dave?" Todhunter asked hopefully.  
"Are you serious?"  
"Absolutely. I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now and I've been waiting for the right moment to bring it up."  
"But what are you going to do on Fiji?" Hollister asked, perplexed, "There's nothing there."  
"We're gonna get a sheep and a cow and breed horses," Lister said tearfully, a smile lighting up his face. Hollister looked blankly at Todhunter, who nodded sagely. "That's right. What he said."  
"But what will your family say?" Lister asked, "Won't they go spare?"  
"Not at all. My parents love horses. Stables in the South Pacific? We'll be lucky if they don't try to move in with us. Dad's already given me contact details for a few people who can get us started with a good breed line."  
"But what will they think of me?"  
"They'll think you're adorable. After all, what's not to love about you?"  
"Rimmer could give you a long list."  
"Rimmer can go hang. My parents will think you're wonderful and even if they don't, it doesn't matter. If they aren't nice to you, we won't let them ride the horses."  
"You really mean it?" Lister asked, "This is really what you want?"  
"Yes. I want you, and Fiji, and a sheep and a cow, and a little white house with chickens in the yard, and the sound of the ocean outside our back door. I want to make your dream, _our_ dream. And I want to make it come true. I _love_ you, Dave."  
"I love you too," Lister whispered. He jumped out of his chair and threw himself into Frank's arms.

After a moment or two, Hollister cleared his throat. Lister and Todhunter reluctantly moved apart and faced him. "Well," he said, half-blinded by their glowing smiles, "I suppose if you're both happy that's all that matters."  
"Happy?" Lister squeaked, his arms still wrapped snugly around Todhunter, "You can file me under E for ecstatic!"  
"I'll be sorry to lose you, Frank, but it looks like it's settled. I guess congratulations are in order."  
"Thank you, Sir."  
"As you two are now engaged, I'd say Lister can move in with you officially."  
"I know which forms to fill out now," Lister chirped helpfully.  
"I don't know what else to say except good luck." He stood up and shook hands with them both. The two of them left the office still giddy with excitement. Hollister eased back down into his chair and stared out of the window for a while. "You think you've seen it all..." He mumbled to himself.


	15. Chapter 15

Later that night, after Frank had dozed off following their celebrations, Lister decided to pay his old roommate a visit. Rimmer was lying on his bunk when he entered. He sat up sharply when Lister came in. "What are you doing in here? This isn't your room anymore, you can't just stroll in when you feel like it."  
"You sober?" Lister asked shortly.  
"Of course I am! What are you insinuating?"  
"Good, cos we need a little chat."

He leaned down, hands flat on the table, and speared Rimmer with a look. "How did you find out?"  
"How did I find out what?"  
"Don't play innocent, I know it was you who put in that complaint, even if you didn't have the guts to put your name to it."  
Rimmer's eyes narrowed spitefully, "If I'd put my name to it, no-one would have listened."  
"Bull. You had enough evidence to make them listen, you just didn't want to face the consequences. Well, the consequences are standing here now and they want answers, so I'll ask you again. How did you find out? Have you been following me? Spying on me?"  
"I've got better things to do with my time, thank you."  
"No, you haven't, and you've had it in for me since forever. So talk."

Rimmer squirmed awkwardly, "I happened to overhear a conversation."  
"What conversation?"  
"I heard Beckett say that you'd been giving Todhunter guitar lessons up in his room."  
"So?"  
"Apparently he can't stop going on about how talented you are."  
"So?"  
"So?! Lister, no-one, no matter how sickeningly smitten, would voluntarily listen to you play your guitar more than once. And they certainly would not boast of your talents to anyone else. The only possible explanation therefore, is that Todhunter has never heard you play a single smegging note."  
"That's it?" Lister exploded, "That was the entire basis of your suspicions? You made a serious accusation and risked damaging both of our careers because you don't appreciate my music skills?"  
"Yes, and I was right!"  
"You're unbelievable!"  
"I'm unbelievable? You're the one carrying on a sordid affair with your boss! I knew there was something fishy about you two, I knew it from the very beginning."  
"Well, good for you. It's a small petty victory, for a small petty man."  
"I warned you, Lister. I told you I would be there to see your downfall and here we are."  
"Well, as it happens, your slimy handiwork was fairly pointless in the end. Hollister walked into the office to read us the riot act and found us being 'sordid' on the desk. Even without your input, I think that would have been a giveaway."

"Well, I'm just glad that some order and dignity have been restored to the JMC," Rimmer said primly, "I look forward to welcoming you back to Z-shift. There's plenty for you to catch up on. I'm sure I can find some really _special _jobs to ease you back into being the lowest rank on the ship again."__  
"You really are a nasty piece of work, aren't you? I can't believe I felt sorry for you."  
"Sorry for me? Ha. The boot's on the other foot now, baby. It's on _my _foot and planted firmly in your arse, and it's staying there. You can start feeling sorry for yourself and for your loverboy. What's become of him? Suspended? Demoted?"__  
"Neither. And you can do your special jobs yourself, because I won't be rejoining you on Z-shift."  
Rimmer scowled. "What do you mean?"  
"We've both been given a formal caution, and I've been moved to another department so that I won't be reporting directly to Frank."  
"That's it?!"  
"That's it, Rimsy. And while I will admit that I'm sad Frank and I won't be working together anymore, at least it's only for a few more months."  
"A few months? What? Why?"  
"Because after that, I'll be leaving the ship at Titan. With my fiancé." Lister stood up straight, a triumphant smile on his lips.

Rimmer's face blanched. "Your _what _?"__  
"My fiancé. Frank and I are getting married."  
"You can't be serious."  
"Don't believe me? Ask Hollister. He was there when he proposed. We've handed in our notice and Frank has told his parents. They're quite excited; his mum is already checking available dates for the wedding."  
"But...you can't do that," Rimmer protested.  
"Can and am."  
"But this wasn't supposed to happen!"  
"What was supposed to happen?" Lister demanded, "What did you hope to get out of this? Me to lose my job? Frank to lose his pips? What was our punishment meant to be? What level of misery would have made you happy, Rimmer?"  
"I just wanted you to come back!"  
"Why? You did nothing but bitch about me every second we were together."  
"But I didn't want you to actually leave!"  
"Because you weren't done torturing me?"  
"No!"  
"So explain to me. What is your problem? What did I ever do to you? Why do you hate me so much???"  
"I don't!"  
"Then why have you devoted every waking moment since we met to making me miserable?!"  
Rimmer stared at him helplessly, "I don't know," he said feebly, "I don't know what else to do."

Lister gave up. "Well, I suppose I should thank you. In a way, all of this is down to you."  
"Me?"  
"Yeah. If you'd been kind and supportive and friendly, I would have never gone looking for another job. I'd still be living here with you, going off to work together every day, and I would never have got to know Frank. Smeg, I mean, if you'd been nice to me, I could even have ended up with _you _." Rimmer's reaction to this remark was curious. He had the look of a man who'd tried going back in time to win the lottery and ended up running over his younger self.  
"Instead, I'm getting off this ship and going back home in style with my handsome, well-connected, well-to-do partner to get married and live out my dreams in a tropical paradise. So I guess you were right. All that time you spent being nasty to me really was in my best interests. So thanks for everything, Rimmer. I'll see you around."__

Lister turned to sweep out, but a small voice stopped him. "I suppose...it's too late to try the nice supportive thing?"  
Lister looked back and, even after everything, he still felt a stab of pity when he saw Rimmer's face.  
"Rimmer," he said wearily, "It's _way _too late."__

He took the lift up to the officers deck and made his way back to Frank's room - their room, he reminded himself with a small thrill. He came across Beckett outside the door. She did a double take when she saw him. "Lister, it's a little late for guitar practice, isn't it?"  
"Oh yeah," Lister agreed cheerfully, "Far too late. I'm just gonna brush my teeth and hit the hay."  
"I'm sorry?" She blinked.  
"Well, I'm going to need my beauty sleep if I want to look nice for the wedding."  
"Wedding?"  
"Yeah, Frank finally decided to make an honest man of me. Isn't it great? Finally, no more sneaking around." He watched her jaw drop with a fair amount of amused satisfaction; and couldn't resist a little dig. "Oh, and thanks for being so discreet and covering for us all this time. We really appreciate it. I mean, smeg, no-one was ever actually going to buy that dumb cover story about guitar lessons, were they?" He threw her a wink and nipped through the door before she could reply.

Once inside, he went to the stereo and selected the 'ocean sounds' track on the album Frank had bought. He crawled back into bed and cuddled up next to his husband to be. "Where'd y'go?" Frank mumbled sleepily.  
"Doesn't matter."  
"Missed you."  
"I'm back now. Just think, I wouldn't be here at all if you'd been capable of doing your own filing."  
They drifted off to sleep together, listening to the sound of waves that would soon be a reality.

Back in Lister's old room, Rimmer sat in his lonely bunk, ordering a book from the library. It was called _'Communication: Social skills, small talk and flirting_ '. Maybe it was time to make some changes...


End file.
